I would LOVE to be able to branch out, but as much as I’ve tried in my almost 30 years, it always ends as nothing but a wet fart. Most of the people who I do vibe with (and who tolerate me) exist in the form of potential romantic interests and it just doesn’t work out. I can’t find that “line” of platonicness and romance. From that perspective then, I guess it makes sense why my friendships/commections ceased formation in my adolescence. Doesn’t make it suck any less though lolololol
nah that's like, super common. most people don't make friends when they're an adult so i know a lot of people where their main friendgroup is their friendgroup from highschool
This is what I did. Also a good way of finding out your friends take what you say to heart. I have only found one ML in the wild, the rest all being reasonable non-committed libs with good hearts, and lots of good conversations with mutual respect.
My friends absolutely will not budge on their liberalism so I barely talk with them anymore.
My irl ML friend moved last year
Only DSA comrade I routinely agreed with. Them our DSA group died lol
It means you have friends. I have a pretty hard time relating to just about anyone
I've made some close friends in my 20s and 30s, though it becomes harder. I suspect there are a variety of factors for this (atomization under capitalism doesn't help, needless to say). In any case, people become more guarded and have less time. I think to develop a really deep friendship takes disclosure of things we normally keep hidden. Just having shared interests or goals isn't enough.
Disclosure is also part of romantic relationships, which would be my guess your uncertainty regarding the "line"
Just having shared interests or goals isn't enough.
This is probably the hardest pill to swallow tbh. It’s not like I haven’t tried to find people who share the same interests as me, but there’s never a “spark” comparable to the existing relationships
And the spark is almost an implicit one for the long lasting relationships I’m talking about
also, I think youth is more emotionally vivid, and emotional experiences form stronger friendships
youth is more emotionally vivid
I wonder if that's true, and if it has to be like that
it definitely doesn't have to be like that. Adult life does not need to be a hamster wheel of drudgery for society to function.
Regarding old friends, be happy you still have them. It's terrible to have managed to alienate all the people you used to talk to severely enough that they will never be your friend again.
Hah, I don't know anyone from those days anymore; all i've got is my partners, the people in my org's regional section, and maybe three or four folks that cropped up in the margins like a decade ago and somehow survived the slashing and burning of reactionary purges. A number that gets smaller every year lmao
im the opposite, i havent been able to keep childhood friends. shit goes both ways. do what works for you.
shit goes both ways
My all or nothing thinking really do be showing
I don't think this is a wholly abnormal thing. I also have a friends group that has lasted since my teens. Though, as they become more reactionary over the decades, we see each other less. Adolescence is probably the freest time in our lives, or at least it should be.
I think the thing about friendships after your 20s is that instead of meeting people at school, you're doing it at work. If someone turned out to be shitty in school, that was far less consequential then if someone turns out to be shitty at work.
You need to work to live, and compromising your work experience by getting too interpersonal is a real concern. In school there is a lot more comradery between students. At some level, none of you want to be at school, and none of your peers hold any authority over you. Most everyone in your town goes to your school, and you are never worried about getting expelled. There is very little risk in building social bonds in this setting comparatively.
You would think work would be the same, as you all likely do not want to be there on some level. However, you need food, and shelter, and healthcare. At jobs that hardly provide those things, I imagine its easier to make friends, since you're already getting so little to begin with, your always on the hunt for new work anyway.
As I've gained more security through my carrier I've absolutely become more likely to keep my coworkers as mostly coworkers. I've also been burned a couple of times over the years, which probably informs my position more.
As children, you have so fewer hangups and zero social awareness. As an anecdote, we went trick or treating yesterday, and at one house was a little girl and her grandma. My wife got to talking with the grandma and my kiddo and her grandkid started goofing around, playing with our youngest in his stroller. The girl was asking us questions about our costumes, and telling us about her night getting candy. By the time we left, this girl, who none of us knew 5 minutes ago, gave nearly everyone in our group a hug.
I would have to be intoxicated to be as social with strangers as this kid was. It was very cute, but I think, very telling about kids and how they form bonds. Kids are naturals at bonding. Over time that instinct gets clouded by our own lived experience. We become so bogged down by our own fears and worries that we become guarded around others. So much of our socialization is bound to our labor and how we labor. Bonding at work is warped by the social relations of wage labor. You have to be able to work with people at the end of the day. If there is conflict between you and someone else it could cost either of you your jobs. You won't move up a grade next year and you won't have a 2 month break in the summer to detox from the incompatible people you deal with on the regular. There are a lot of consequences to be had socializing at work.
We have very few consequence free places in which we can exist and be our true selves. Where we can socialize like we did when we were in grade school. Its magical watching my kids socialize. They make it look so easy. Its because for them, it really is.
That’s good to hear, I guess my main problem is that I am very quick to compare myself to others so when I see someone from high school who has “branched out” and no longer interacts with myself or others from the same period, I feel like I have failed.
It really is so ominous that adults are treated like children by authority figures without some of the most cherished benefits.
I always think back to the line in simulacra and simulation about how the world wants to be childish to make use believe that the adults are elsewhere despite the fact that childishness is everywhere (I don’t know if that’s what they were getting at exactly but it’s how I interpret it). We are unable to be ourselves as adults which adversely affects developing real and long lasting relationships.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
If you want to branch out because you feel like your current friends aren't people you can form a deep connection with, that's one thing. If you feel like it's just something you should do because you've seen other people do it, that's another. Several of my friends I've known since elementary school. When I tell people I've known my best friend for over 20 years, usually people think that's neat and sometimes are jealous I've maintained a friendship that long.
If your current friend group is made of people you can trust and rely on, then I say you cherish that.
The compartmentalizing of ones own self is a reflection of the demands of the capitalist mode of production, not to beat dead horse. You have yourself at home, yourself at work, yourself with your parents, yourself with your spouse, yourself with your children, yourself when acting as a consumer, yourself with your friends. Many of these selves are minimizes or archived as a result of the never ending demands of capitalist society.
Having the ability to "branch out" is also a reflection of the capitalist system. You have these opportunities due in part to your success at the game of capital. You might be higher up the ladder, engendering an existence with fewer consequences or more flex time or leisure time. You have this freedom to socialize in ways that are different because the demands are different. This process is effectively a game of chance played at a cosmic scale.
I knew people I thought would have branched out due in part to their placement in the cosmic lottery only to learn they had OD'd and had a long standing drug habit I wasn't aware of. I know people who looked to be going nowhere, but now work in the games industry on huge projects. Life has a funny way of working out. There isn't much of a point comparing yourself to others, because what is true today could be false tomorrow.
The only person worth comparing yourself to is yourself. Setting realistic and achievable goals will eventually add up in time, and you'll look back at your self and be able to say you've succeeded.
Adolescence is probably the freest time in our lives, or at least it should be.
Nooo I need freedom as an adult
compromising your work experience by getting too interpersonal is a real concern.
What kind of job do you have? Something where people are all backstabbing career-climbers?
All the jobs I've worked have been low-wage, where making friends with your coworkers means someone at work will have your back, at least in small ways.
All the jobs I've worked have been low-wage, where making friends with your coworkers means someone at work will have your back, at least in small ways.
Every low wage job I've worked at has been the same as well. One job I worked along side the department managers son, and we bonded over our mutual disdain for his dad haha.
What kind of job do you have? Something where people are all backstabbing career-climbers?
I've been in situations where someone who presents themselves one way at work, reveal themselves to be a totally different way out of work once they were comfortable.
I don't really want to get into a long winded story. Simple to say, in this one situation, the working and personal relationship was over, but while I might have been done with our "working relationship", our employer obviously was not. So I had to grit my teeth and "be civil" to a real chameleon of a human, knowing full well the depths of their narcissism and ignorant vulgarness.
Since their offense happened off hours and off work property, and "broke no laws", there was little my superior could or would do to address the situation. I was told he had a "conversation" with them, but little else. I thought about changing jobs, but they eventually moved on to "greener" pastures. This was many many years ago. I distanced myself from the "after hours" activities, and those eventually died off. I think my experience (which was no secret) poisoned that well.
Had this been a relationship formed outside work, I would have cut them loose and been done with it. It wasn't so simple unfortunately, thanks in part to the nature and relations of "work".
I'd say it's totally fine. I used to have like four different friend circles and now I'm down to half of my highschool friends and some other folks.
Now that you mention, this seems fairly normal. I wonder if it is physiological, that we are more likely to make friends in our teens. Or if it has something to do with free time, and material interests.
I spent 8-10 hours after school with my friends every day. It's not possible to do that with anyone as an adult. I have made some friends as an adult but it's difficult to make plans. Everyone (including myself) is so busy, crushed under the weight of capitalism, depressed, etc.
Even having virtual friends you interact with often doesn’t mean the same imo.
Not any less valid but not as deep in my experience
Yes this is s good point. There are just less bonding opportunities.
I'm pretty certain thats normal. My closest friends are those which I met at school and any new friends are just colleagues i get on with at that point in time but if either one of us moves on to somewhere else we absolutely will not stay in contact or if we do it won't be that often.
My theory is that new people already have their own established friend groups so can't make much time for anyone else and its hard to ever be as important as an established long term friend group. The only person I met after school that I'm close to is my boyfriend.
To still have friends later in life in any form is honestly a blessing a lot of people aren't so fortunate. But it genuinely is hard to form long term close friends it requires a lot of interaction but also a lot of events to bond over which for most newer people you meet just won't happen because school and uni are the best times for silly antics to look back on. I've met NT people that have large "friend" groups from later in life but it always seems very hollow, those friends being the kind of people who wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire. The definition of friend between ND and NT people seem to be quite different.
My theory is that new people already have their own established friend groups so can't make much time for anyone else and its hard to ever be as important as an established long term friend group.
I have independently come to the same conclusion. Therefore, I’m cooked.
I've met NT people that have large "friend" groups from later in life but it always seems very hollow
Have also observed this.
It's fine and normal. Volunteering is a great way to make new friends as are intramural sports.
The real cheat mode is having kids. We've made a ton of friends through school stuff, or even just chatting folks up at the playground. But it sounds like you're not quite there yet.
If you've managed to hold onto those friendships, I'd say that's a very good thing. It gets harder to make friends as you get older — 'hanging out' stops being a thing as the pressure of getting by in this hellscape mounts. Nurture those relationships, because they are precious!
