Xenia, the fox girl mascot of Linux, was first designed in 1996 by Alan Mackey. She was meant to be an alternative to Tux, the official mascot.
She had fallen into obscurity, but was noticed by a Twitter user in 2019 and was redrawn as a fox girl. But as it turned out, Xenia was originally meant to be male! The original creator, Alan, was cool with this, saying "It matches the transition of a lot of the smartest, nerdiest Linux users I know" and "And sure, you made her trans!".
So now we have a trans Linux mascot. And I think that's neat.
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My friend just sent me a decade old photo of myself when I had a huge beard. Just wearing swim shorts. I'm having complicated feelings.
Like, idk... I'm handsome, but it's okay to think you're handsome and still want to transition. Sometimes feels like I'm fucking something up.
I mean, I look at recent photos of me in makeup/dresses, and I'm still handsome/pretty, but... Idk, it would've just been easier I guess.
Also I had super hairy legs. REALLY glad those are gone. I had actually forgotten what they looked like lol
idk, i'd rather feel like i looked vaguely attractive before transition instead of the most fucked up "man" alive. old pictures of myself still hurt to look at though, i get you
Idk, I think I diverge from the typical trans experience here. I feel guilty because it doesn't hurt ENOUGH.
Like, I look happy? I was happy. I don't look back at old photos of me and think, "god, how fucking miserable that person is. He's in the wrong body"
Idk I'm complicated. Then again, transition for me has always been more about chasing euphoria rather than running away from dysphoria, so...
I feel like there would be a lot less Trans Distress™ if we chased gender euphoria instead of focusing solely on our dysphoria.
I personally have been there before in my own journey and felt that guilt that you're experiencing, like if I'm not crying myself to sleep every night I'm not trans enough.
But, I kind of liken it to taking a walk in chilly weather, you're uncomfortable, awkward, trying to cover yourself up, that kind of thing. Gender Euphoria to me feels like putting on a comfy coat on that chilly day- it feels nice, feels right, I'm warm now. I wasn't going to die walking around with no coat, but it sure does feel a helluva lot better with one, yanno?
I've been lurking around following your posts and I just wanted to chime in for a second. Hope it's not offensive or anything and really hope it makes sense. I have nothing but love and pride watching your personal journey unfold and whatever you decide, it will be a choice you made for YOURSELF and that's what's important 🥰
This would have helped me to start transitioning sooner. Instead, I waited until the dysphoria was unbearable. Feeling "fine", at best, isn't a great way to live.
It's NOT offensive 😊
Thank you for your kind words. I like the way that you put it.
I hope to see you around here more often
That "typical trans experience" is mostly the experience of freshly hatched and early transition trans people, because they spend a lot more time in public-facing trans spaces and make up the majority of users there. And there's a tendency for certain common experiences to be amplified and stereotyped and everybody who has gone through something similar pitches in with their own variant of "oh yeah i had funny feelings when i saw Ranma" or "this makes me feel so dysphoric" or "this gives me so much gender envy" while most of the people who don't feel that way stay silent and wonder if there's something wrong with them for not sharing certain experiences.
I used to die inside looking at old photos of me, now i just find them hillarious and love to post them. I mean, yes, i do look less radiant in a lot of them, but it's not as if i was never happy as an egg, i've had a lot of good days back then, too. Nothing wrong with that.
And when i look at timelines in my community, i see a lot of people who looked really hot before they transitioned. Usually in a way that aligns with how we rate hotness for their AGAB. And all of them still look hot now, just in a way that aligns with who they actually are. Going from hot guy-looking person to hot goth girl or from hot gal-looking person to handsome hunk or from hot binary-presenting person to smokeshow elf thembo is fairly normal. The idea that you fuck something up has no basis in reality, hotness isn't a question of your gender expression.
Thank you for this :)
I often feel like I'm making changes mostly because of "idk that sounds kinda neat. I should try it" rather than dysphoria or euphoria.
Like, I know if I *think *about it more that there's more to it than that for me. But its not how I feel. Wish we as a society were to the point where that feeling was generally considered good enough, so we didn't have to go through imposter feelings.
I saw a picture of myself in a suit with medium length boy hair and clean shaven from a decade ago, when I was much heavier too. And I was like wow I just look like a butch lesbian here.
Lol, lucky you~