Here's to a new year! Here's my first mega try (also first time posting in a while due to reasons) but heya! Admittedly struggled a fair bit with self doubt and anxiety on this one as put it off for a while/other things caught up with me but I figure I'll be glad I did it once I've done it. It's kinda being done last minute though, so admittedly there's that...
I'd been intending to make the mega about something else originally when I signed up, but that would require more time on my part (and I just binge read this recently, so it all works out). Anyways, my subject of the week is The Summer Hikaru Died; it's a queer (BL) horror manga which is currently also scheduled for anime release next year (2025).
Content warnings naturally follow and further details will be spoilered.
CONTENT WARNINGS
Grief, body horror and (very debatably IMO) mild gore, supernatural horror (ghosts/"impurities", otherworldly entities), death I suppose though that one's a given
Premise
The titular Hikaru went for a walk in the woods, died, and something came back wearing his body, something that doesn't quite know how to be human or mortal; "Hikaru" returned, to ensure that his best friend, Yoshiki, would not be lonely. Romantic tension (and tension of a less pleasant kind) ensues.
The plot/things I like about it thus far (light spoilers)
Yoshiki and "Hikaru" have an absolutely great dynamic- their relationship may not be fully healthy, but their intentions seem to both be in the right place, as are their deep feelings (Yoshiki's for Hikaru and increasingly for "Hikaru," and Hikaru and "Hikaru's" own true feelings) and honesty in this regard, despite the latter "Hikaru" being effectively an imposter of sorts. (it's complicated, but these are increasingly distinguished separately and I really like that process as well)
"Hikaru" is, while not quite a blank slate, extremely new to the concept of even just "being" in the sense that mortal creatures and individual organisms(?) do. They've had to learn (and Yoshiki has had to confront them about) the value and significance of life and death; they've increasingly established boundaries, and they approach the world with a liveliness and curiousity that is really cute (the original Hikaru was also lively FWIW, but "Hikaru" is experiencing everything anew even if they retain the memories).
Yoshiki, on the other hand, is both grappling with his grief and loss of Hikaru, while finding comfort (and discomfort alike) in his imposter, and in guiding them through a new world or state of being. He's finding his resolve and moral/ethical backbone interacting with "Hikaru" (very blue-and-orange morality dynamics, though they're learning), he's experiencing what could be described as a rocky but determined romance and queer experimentation at the same time "Hikaru" is being introduced to notions of attraction and desire (beyond instinctual desire to consume).
Their pairing in so many ways should not work (or rather would be usually destined for a tragic end). From the start, there have been several points where by all means it should have met such an end. But their determination and willingness to meet the other where they're at and gradually be understanding with the other is both fascinating and something I'd feel optimistic for (and interested in seeing play out further).
Anyways, I should cut myself short at this (and make sure to have something properly written beforehand for next time). But anyways, thus far it's a strong recommend (if you feel alright with the content warnings) from me.
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depression and dysphoria venting
still very much facing this feeling of being behind/too late. i legit feel like i'm 12, but i'm in college for the third time. i hate that i went through college twice as a boy, and that the third time i'm still pretty much a boy. i hate that i am approaching my sexuality and gender from essentially a lack of experience despite being "grown up". how i am the age that i am with so little to show for it in my relationships and in my identity is hard to deal with.
like I'm gonna be excited the first time someone wants to hold hands. that's all it's gonna take. it's like I'm a golden retriever holy shit
it's one of these things where i have to just ask "am i stupid"? like, what am i not getting about any of this. what am i missing? fuck.
spoiler
Narratives that say we need to have X knowledge by Y age are cisheteronormative and neurotypical. This sort of being "behind the curve" is very common for queer people of all stripes, I've heard the same sentiments from queer people in their 30s and 40s :) Being "a golden retriever" about stuff like holding hands is actually cool and good tbh, everyone arrives at stuff in their own time.
I can also guarantee you that cishet people are faking it, if it seems like they approach their gender or sexuality from anything other than inexperience. They just have the benefit of being the normalised default, and so not really having to interrogate those elements of themselves. Lol, btw.
Being a boy in school fuckin sucks though my condolences
wouldn't do it again myself
spoiler
I guess idk what to make of things without a narrative in my head.
I don't know if everyone has the same lack of experience. Like, if nobody has ever expressed interested in you, how do you go about gauging your own tastes and interests and how they relate to others?
Perpetually being seen as a background sort of person has honestly become hard to fight. As widespread as people's experiences are, as different as all of us are, I still find myself on an end of the bell curve, and feeling a type of way about it. And I start to sound like a Nice Guy, which I hate.
spoiler
Narratives are pure fiction though, made up by a writer! At best that kind of broad generalisation works for some people, and this conversation kinda demonstrates why they're a bad thing so often.
I dunno, do you not have tastes and interests already? I didn't need to have been in a relationship to at least have an idea of what I want, on account of knowing myself. Being in relationship will obvioislh put a finer point on it, but that's just something that comes with time. Other than that it's like I Dunno, what do you want, and then go on that I guess. I have learned huge amounts of things about myself both through and during various relationships, but I don't think any of it has hugely altered my preferences at the end of it.
As in like, introverted and nobody talks to you? I mean I guess, hm. I'm pretty bad (especially irl) at talking to people so Idk, in person I also spend a lot of time being "background". I've started almost all of my relationships online
So you're not entirely alone on this one either.
spoiler
Idk. Maybe I place too much importance on being known. If someone I knew was in like, distress over their identity for years, I'd want to know and try and help. But everyone is different.
I have an inclination not to talk about my interests. Nobody in my last social circle was interested in SimCity 4, retail brands that went out of business in the 90s, Paul McCartney, abandoned places, primary colors, those memes where Big Chingus is reskinned as a pokemon. These things don't naturally come up and I find it hard to just take control of a social setting to subject everyone to my esoteric interests.
I literally don't know how to explore my types. Like, I'm still worried that noticing women is creepy, and that makes me feel very male. I don't see a ton of guys that I'm attracted to. I've never approached a guy with any sort of attraction in mind. It's like I was cursed to fall in love once, and it was with a woman when I was a 20 year old boy, and now I am doomed to know that that was the closest I got to love.
I've legit been unable to get myself to sit through TV shows and movies though. I watched Mad Men during COVID, really related to the scene where Don Draper stares down the empty elevator shaft. Is that what a non-narrative life is like?
I like things and I know I like things, but I don't know how to go from pleasantries to actually being myself. It literally feels like I'm supposed to be gaming the process or something, and it feels disingenuous. I can be a very polite person, but that's not a conversation with me or about my interests. I'm frankly just grateful when people notice me, because I'm wallflower and a massive introvert.
But like I'm legit gonna be on a date and want to know his favorite color and if he's mad at me, so.
It's like, if I had one person that were just looking me in the eyes, being a physical person with corporeal form who sees me and witnesses me and accepts me, that I don't have to wonder every day of they still feel the same, then all of this would be so much easier.
I'm gonna be real, there's too much uncertainty in not replying to people. If every conversation is fleeting, why trust anything to last? Am I truly supposed to live so moment-to-monent that nothing has any association or relation? Is everything truly so divorced from the concept of meaning that devoting a millisecond more thought than the object even spends on my line of sight is catastrophic and anxiety-inducing? Because I'm starting to believe that conversations aren't real and also nobody cares about anything.
I just saw your more recent comments, if this is annoying or unhelpful or you don't feel like it, don't worry about replying.
spoiler
I.... agree!
I'm always fuckin jonesing to talk about matters of identity anyways 'cuz I'm weird. In fact, I know some nerds who might be having Gender Trouble™ (or at least cool and funny genders) but do not bring it up much. I'm kind of hesitant to just yap though, because you can lead an egg to gender but you can't crack its shell. Yaknow.
They make youtube bideos about all of this stuff, (Simcity 4 is maybe an obscure pick, rad btw) I would expect zoomers to talk about this stuff
But also, I am continuing to realise that as much as the thing I do (screaming at high volumes about my weird fixations and special interests) is really annoying, it is also kind of a skill, and most people do not. I can sort of relate, I'm more quiet in real life, although talking to me is asking for a Nevada infodump unprompted :3 Infodumping can have social consequences irl though which sucks.
I mean, you can do it by dating, but you also don't have to have ironclad ideas about what you want in every relationship, Idk. You gotta have room to grow. Also if you aren't like staring at women in public, it's probably fine? Idk. Is it "male" when cisgender lesbians notice women? 'Cause they do, I'm pretty sure.
Nice
No, it's just accepting that your life doesn't progress according to any arbitrary plan or set of milestones, and any attempt to hold yourself to any is bad. You can make your own plans and milestones if ya want, but culturally held ideas of when someone is meant to have done X or Y... I still don't have a license, am woefully socially inept, and never went to college or uni so Idk, my life fits no plan, y'know?
Could this be a masking thing, by chance?
'cause I know how it is. It feels like a shell you pull on over your actual self because people would get weird if you recited to them the entire history of a contract Famicom developer that only existed between 1985 and 1989. It's lame, and I just started getting weirder at people about it. Saying more stuff, with mixed results. Still recommend it though.
To be honest, I feel like my understanding of socializing in general is breaking down.
Everything that I have said and done and thought and posted was to convey the urgency of the thoughts in my head around gender, sexuality, friendship, trust, depression. I can't think of a point in time in which I have not needed help.
I thought being nice and patient and helpful was what I was supposed to do. I thought that nobody cared about my feelings, because nobody was actively saying "I care about your feelings"
I'll probably be a 30 year old dude, which is what it is. I will not be a 40 year old man.
I don't understand how socialising works either. If you're asking me for help with regard to any of these things, you should tell me, even though I'm stupid.
You do have to tell people things sometimes, broadly speaking. Subtext is subjective, and all. By the same turn people in your life should be making you feel that they care abou you, which it sounds like your family does not.
I'm incapable of asking for help, but nice try
I don't understand how everyone has these frameworks for themselves that just solve their understanding of the world. I've been alone with my trauma for what is entering the sixth year.
I'm told life isn't a grand narrative, I'm told life isn't a series of unrelated vignettes with no meaning.. Hexbear seems to have solved it all.
deleted by creator
spoiler
Very relatable, I don't have anything to show for my age either. I don't have any advice but at least you're trying.