so i’m dating a girl, and last night she mentioned she had BPD. i didn’t think much of it, i wasn’t familiar with it. i just started doing research and went to reddit (maybe a big mistake) just to see what ‘real life’ people were saying about it. it’s /r/BPDlovedones and it’s basically victims of people who have dated someone with BPD...
it’s currently scaring the shit out of me and kind of making me have a panic attack. there was a post saying “Any advice for someone starting to date a person with BPD?” and literally everyone said “Don’t. they’ll ruin your life. the person they are now is not who they really are. they change themselves to adjust to your personality” and it all the basic patterns align with what i’m experiencing. it’s very scary. i don’t know what to do.
edit: yeah it’s just shitty non-BPD being very hateful and resentful. very insensitive, kinda dramatic. anyway
i know reddit is infamous for having these ‘victim’ groups who hate on a certain type of people who ruined their lives, and it feels very dehumanizing. i don’t think it is impossible to date this person and i don’t want to just stop seeing them. i don’t know what to do tbh. just very overwhelmed
BPD sucks to have, and it sucks to deal with in a loved one.
However, it’s important to keep in mind that all people are different. BPD traits exist on a spectrum like all personality disorders (or all personality traits, really)
I would not break up with her just because she has BPD, that would be shitty. But if she is mistreating you, or if you just can’t deal with her mood swings or whatever, it’s fine to look out for yourself and do what’s right for your happiness.
Other people have mentioned DBT therapy, and it really can be life changing for people who suffer from BPD so it’s worth looking into.
My mom has BPD that went completely untreated and resulted in horrific abuse of me as a child. However, with treatment (therapy, DBT, maybe meds) people with BPD can be fine. I wouldn’t hold it against them. Definitely have strong boundaries and stick to them.
I feel like a lot of the BPD boards on Reddit (BPDLovedOnes, Raised by Borderlines, etc) are pretty much hate groups. I used to go onto raised by borderlines years ago because of my abuse but I just found that they were more interested in bashing on people with BPD than working through their own trauma.
BPDlovedones is a hate board imo. They have level of vitriol (including encouraging suicide) towards BPD sufferers that is unwarranted and it's indiscriminate. I have a sorta friend that has BPD and while she's a somewhat shitty friend and a huge asshole at times you can tell that she genuinely struggles against her BPD. She has manipulative tendencies but with medication and therapy she's come a long way and is in a fairly good, albeit messy, relationship.
yeah, i hate the stigma on mental illnesses in general, though i’ve never really done my research on BPD until today. but yeah if you say “stay away from these ppl” you’re a shitty person.
i also don’t know if it’s our place as non-BPD to say “you need therapy”, but encouraging it in the right way
Yeah trusting reddit about it might be a mistake, a lot of people 'self-diagnose' with it, and even more people are 'diagnosed' by their friends and family reading shit online instead of a doctor or psych actually doing an evaluation. Usually these people are just narcissistic or have mood swings or have anxiety and from there the hive mind does what it wants to stigmatize the wrong mental health issues.
It is however a serious disorder, so talk to this girl about it since she brought it up; see what she has to say about how she manages symptoms and to see if it is really something you can involve yourself with. Mental health issues can kind of compound so if you feel this is causing panic and increasing anxiety it might not be healthy for you which might make it worse for her and just starts a feedback loop.
If you can, maybe also talk to some of her friends or family to see what they have to say - not like going behind her back, but if they're people you already know or something then hit them up after talking to her. Maybe she is misrepresenting how she is affected or maybe she's selfdiagnosed it instead of working on personality flaws, or maybe they can genuinely say something like "yeah she was diagnosed a while ago and has managed her symptoms well for years".
a lot of people ‘self-diagnose’ with it, and even more people are ‘diagnosed’ by their friends and family reading shit online instead of a doctor or psych actually doing an evaluation
That's the number one question for OP. Is this an actual diagnosis?
Think about people who are actually diagnosed with OCD vs. people who like to keep their apartment neat and say "I'm so OCD."
Just be careful, have boundaries, maybe journal or use a diary? Know your way around gaslighting tactics (they will be used against you inadvertently). Sounds weird, but if I had to do it again, that’s what I’d do to keep grounded. BPD shouldn’t be a dealbreaker, but don’t get in so far that you put up with abuse
seems like a solid plan - just be aware of myself and the relationship. thank you
i will say that she is aware she has co-dependency issues (as do i to an extent) and have limited seeing each other to 2 times a week.
Do not read "walking on eggshells". It's basically the Bible of doing shitty things to people with BPD.
I had a very bad experience with a borderline - she stalks me across the Internet and posts all kinds of lies and half truths to paint me as an insanely horribke person. But equally out relationship was a horrible co-dependency mess of love and hate that dragged on longer than it should because no one would end it. However that was a mutual issue because we both had mental health issues that didn't mesh.
As long as you communicate openly with a borderline partner and explain your anxieties or emotions and make an effort to understand them (I highly recommend anything by Dr Marsha Linehan - she's a doctor who has BPD herself and basically revolutionised how it's approached by clinicians). I had a very bad experience but trust me if I can still vouch that good relationships with BPD sufferers are very possible and very rewarding as long as you're prepared to make a little bit of effort in communication. That's all it takes.
Now I'm gonna have to message a mod because my ex will likely see this and either comment with nonsense and inspect-element screen caps or try and get me banned from here.
I have a lot to say on this topic and typed out a lot of it but it was getting really long-winded.
If you decide to continue a relationship with this person I would recommend only doing so if they are actively seeing a therapist. Dialectical behavioral therapy is a good search term if they need a place to start in finding one, as this treatment was developed for those suffering from BPD.
I would also recommend picking up "I hate you, don't leave me" by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. There are things I dislike about it, but I think it would help you.
It's completely ok to not want to date someone with BPD. If you're seeing red flags, don't let anyone guilt you out of ending an unhealthy or abusive relationship because they consider it ableist.
I dated a woman with BPD for four years ten years ago and I still have emotional scars from it. I developed a tendency to cower and hide whenever my partner is mad at me (instead of talking through it like adults) because I expect an uncontrollable explosion. I ended the relationship partly because she refused to seek treatment or acknowledge that she suffered from anything clinical. In fact, even the most kindly worded suggestion that she might have a problem would send her into an explosive episode. The fact that your girlfriend is aware of her condition already makes her much better off than mine, IMO, and if she's getting treated for it that's even better. Don't break up with her until she gives you a reason to.
Don’t break up with her until she gives you a reason to.
This is kind of an unfortunate way to express that, seeing how common it is for thoughts of "they'll only love me til I slip up" with this brain type.
I guess I could phrase that better. A single slip up isn't reason enough. I meant a pattern of behavior that doesn't improve despite vocalizing your concerns.
I dated someone with BPD for a few years. I think her case might have been more mild, but it never ended up being much more than depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. All this talk about gaslighting and manipulation makes me a little uncomfortable because to the best of my knowledge there was none of that in the relationship.
I probably have BPD and I would absolutely advise against dating me lol
but you deserve love comrade 🥺.
no but for real, isn’t everyone different? any advice you can give besides ‘don’t’ haha.
edit: i don’t know if this means anything but for us to combat our individual co dependency issues, we limit ourselves to seeing each other two times a week
isnt that the one with the ableist mod who bans people with any mental illness even though they said they ban people with any personality disorder
I’m not sure but knowing these groups I wouldn’t be surprised. Raised by borderlines wouldn’t let anyone in with BPD that also had parents with borderline even if they were in the process of seeking treatment, which just didn’t seem right to me. Maybe they’ve changed or gone away but they used to do that and likely still do
Just take things slow. Folks with BPD are just folks. Everyone is going to have a curveball in store for you if you know them long enough, BPD or no.
If your girlfriend knows she is BPD and is on medications/receiving therapy then it's probably alright. My experience dating someone that I suspect was undiagnosed bpd was fucking awful and I would not ever do it again, though I've wondered if I have it in me to date someone who is diagnosed and is properly taking care of their issues.
Anyways, I guess my biggest piece of advice is to remember that you aren't someone's saviour/you aren't responsible for fixing someone else's bad behavior. I'm not saying BPD people don't deserve love, but I am cautioning you that if your relationship starts causing you significant mental harm then it's not wrong to walk away.
