SALUTE
I have barely watched Breaking Bad
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Let's have another good week everyone 
voice dysphoria, probably brainworms too tbh
Thinking about my voice just gives me the worst vibes ever. I feel bitter, I feel sad, I feel ruined. I feel resentful and guilty for feeling that way. I knew when my voice started changing I didn't like it, but always hoped I'd grow to like it. That hasn't happened and never will. I have to painstakingly change it to sound okay. Because of how my dysphoria is and all the layers to it I really don't see me ever getting a truly good voice.
I feel numb, in a sad kinda way.
eating issues
I'm not going to pro ana post because its bad (I honestly don't really know why what I'm doing is bad but whatever) and I don't want to get banned. But I have eaten one meal and two cookies in the last 36 hours. Next meal is in four hours. My pain is numbed.
voice dysphoria
I get that it can feel like T is a ruinous force on you, and that working on it is really fucking hard because you hate how it sounds. Me fr! It's incredibly hard, but with even just a little effort you can change it pretty considerably. If not for dox I'd make a vocaroo, but I have been assured my voice sounds decent and I get gendered female, so like
It must be doable if my dork ass can do it. It's hard, but not a "never" thing.
spoiler
:meow-hug: thanks Ash. I'm hoping.
I don't want to just pass to cissies, I want, personally, to like it. And I have very standards for myself :comrade-raccoon:
spoiler
Aw fuck yeah bitch lesgoooooo!!! Hopefully it gets a little easier down the road. Maybe when you're not dealing with dysphoria from all directions, you know?
That is a very good thought
Here's hoping.
eating
You already know you shouldn't be doing this and it seems you know you're doing it as a form of self-harm. We all kinda like eggnog so please don't hurt her.
In terms of hrt later, when you start, you will need a higher body fat% to get woman style curves. There are so many rail thin trans girls who are eternally confused that they don't have full curves or even boobs at all and just can't seem to connect their eating to not having enough fat to redistribute. E bodies have a higher body fat%, they're supposed to, that's what they're meant to look like.
voice
Voice training really does work, yes it will work for you. It takes a long time and it goes slow so it's hard to measure progress unless you (ugh) record yourself - which is cursed. It's not ruined, it's basically the only thing we have control over that isn't based on money or genetics. You can get the voice you want. I can't even do my old boy voice anymore, which was weird when I tried. You can get voice surgery but that obviously costs money.
Feeling sad and bitter about your voice is normal, you "just" have gender dysphoria. You'll be okay, I swear this gets better. It's slow, yeah, but the time is going to pass anyway and how do you want to sound in 2 years right?
spoiler
Eggnog will be fine, and yea I'll start eating more when I get hrt (assuming I don't quit this before then anyway).
I'm not rail thin, I appreciate your concern. Sorry you had to read my sh posting.
It'll only work if I put in effort, obviously. I'm terrible at putting effort in tbh. We'll see. I definitely need to give it a good try because I can't imagine being a girl with this voice. And I don't want to be a guy either. I'm glad my feelings are normal. The bitterness especially feels like something that I feel guilty about feeling. Thank you again.
Why are you unsure if what you are doing is bad?
eating
I used to do this and was always told I needed to eat more and shouldn't not eat. But I simply can't deal with how bad I feel sometimes.
I would encourage you to find a healthy medium.
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