How do I explain, both to other people and myself, these feelings (especially why they are new). It just feels really weird coming out of no where and saying "hey guys, I know you've never seen me as anything but a guy and I've never really had a problem with that, until now when I'm suddenly very bothered by the idea, but also gender is some innate thing I was born with."
I feel like I can't be trans or I'd have known/felt dysphoria for longer :kitty-cri: but also I don't want to be a cis man.
I think it's not all for people to suffer from things they don't realize they're suffering from because of the tendency to assume our own experiences are much like those around us. Many people with debilitating migraines, for example, just don't realize that's not just a normal thing everyone deals with. Likewise, many trans people just assume everyone else is masking, so that's just a normal part of being part of a society. This is doubly true for ND trans people, whom would be taught to wear a mask whether they're trans or not, but not exclusive to. Combine the tendency to normalize our experiences and dissociation to dull the sensations, and it's easy to simply not realize it's there until a light is pointed at it. Additionally, many of us lacked the language to describe our feelings: either totally unaware of option if being trans at a young age or having some transphobic or stereotypical "always known and clearly fit the expectations of their gender" trans image that you don't want to be or don't quite fit.
As for other people, it depends. Some may just accept it. No explanation needed (which is technically always the case imo).
Some may be enthusiastic but skeptical. My brother was in this camp - I've been pretty open about a lot of things with him, so I get why he would be skeptical when I suddenly brought that up. But he clearly wanted to be convinced and just wanted me to talk about myself. It's what I wanted at the time because of my own uncertainty... I sorta wonder if he played the skeptic intentionally, knowing that's what I wanted. In this case, the conversation involved more personal details, so no clue how it would go with someone I'm not comfortable going into details with.
For me, I think the easiest way to organize my thoughts was semi-chronologically, rather than by importance, because making judgements about what seems more or less important seems like effort. Going though and writing out your own thoughts before can probably be helpful. If for no one else, for yourself since you seem to be playing the role of enthusiastic skeptic.
I don't have experience with coming out to transphobic people yet... only testing the waters. But you don't really owe anyone an explanation. Best of luck with these people.
But I don't feel like I was suffering silently or anything. I mean I guess I didn't know it was an option, and when I did I was given a very genital focused view, but like idk. I am ND, but still.
Thank you, that helps. I know I don't owe an explanation, I just want to help them understand. And understand myself.
Suffering doesn't define being trans. I certainly wouldn't use that word to describe my experience. The closest I would describe as that is when I was going through a similar experience as you of trying to prove to myself how trans I am. Can't say I don't think wonder about that, but the worry about it kinda faded into the background and figure I'll take a step forward at a time and figure out labels later.
I know :kitty-cri: I didn't mean to say it that way. But like, when I hear people talking about their experiences as a child it kinda sounds that way. Like they knew something wasn't right, or they'd never be the gender they wanted to be. And I just don't remember anything like that.
One of my favorite trans songs has the following intro:
I never wanted to be a princess
I never asked anyone to braid my hair
I never asked my mom to buy me things that I saw on the TV marketed towards girls
I never wanted to wear a dress
And I was never obsessed
With the color pink, or sparkling things
Unicorns or fairy wings
Gender never really meant that much to me
And its written by a trans woman. Gender is messy and realistic portrayals of it are harder to explain to cis people who've never had any reason to examine what gender means to them*. Its easier for people to sell the "Emily was adamant she was a girl since she could speak and did all the stereotypical girl things" narrative than to have a more nuanced discussion about how things are for many of us.
*besides women having to be aware of misogyny and threats to them that guys don't have to think about.
I think what helped me was reading other trans people's experiences with self-discovery as well as the ways some of us tend to deny our own feelings and even fiction about the trans experience. Talk, listen, read. Find someone or a group that will listen to the ways you feel. Rant or vent in the spaces that you can.
It's a trope at this point but something that really helped me was reading through Nevada. Specifically the second half of Nevada that deals with denial, repression, and trying to rationalize the feelings away.
The trans experience is vast and diverse and your journey is just as valid as someone who may fit the image of the trans person that the media sells to society at large. Sometimes we just don't have the words to know what specifically is wrong, only that something is wrong. Sometimes we only begin to acknowledge that our normal isn't the normal until we have whatever knowledge may have been missing.
Ive thought like this for a while and still mostly do, but my (new?) instincts have dragged me further along transition at every step, so I trust in that small part of my brain as something i can refer to (to myself or others) as the innate knowledge of my identity. Its still just one part of what feels like multiple layers of subconscious pitted against each other, but its the only one that doesn't feel like a choice to trust in, unlike the ones telling me that i feel worse as I transition. Those I blame on the depersonalization fading and making me actually feel the bad but mundane mental health issues that have been dormant ugh.
when I hear people talking about their experiences as a child it kinda sounds that way. Like they knew something wasn't right, or they'd never be the gender they wanted to be. And I just don't remember anything like that.
I don't either; it took some stupid book to alert me to the concept of gender being mutable. If I wasn't lucky enough to be made aware by my ex and a highschool english teacher, I'd probably be in your shoes. Looking back, as a kid I never had any thoughts about being a girl or hating my body or whatever.
cw cursed
Just a worrisome fixation on the weirdest and grossest types of gender porn, you know
Knowing beforehand is not a requirement, and the sentiment "I have suddenly realised that being a guy bothers the fuck out of me" is entirely valid. It might be surprising to other people, but their only job is to accept you, they can't see your thought processes, which is fine, they only need to accept you for who you are. You shouldn't be required to explain yourself, you should be allowed to do that when and if it's comfortable for you
I didn't know as a child. I had no idea. It wasn't until I was like 28 or something that I realized I was trans. Before that, I never would have said I was suffering or struggling with my gender or anything. There wasn't any gender-related pain I could point to. Then suddenly one day hearing myself referred to as "she" just rankled for some reason. It didn't feel right and this feeling of wrongness came out of nowhere, very strongly.
But a weird thing happened after I came out to myself and a few people around me. I started recontextualizing some childhood experiences and feelings and I realized, holy shit, I've always been trans, there was gender dissonance, I just didn't recognize it for what it was.
In time you might feel some of that, I suspect many trans people do. But even if you don't, that's ok! I'm not a person who thinks gender (or sexuality) is always innate and unchangeable. I think humans are malleable and our genders and sexualities can change, just as other aspects of our identities do.
Let yourself consider that you might be trans! You definitely don't need to have felt dysphoria for years, just not wanting to be a cis man is enough!
How do I explain, both to other people and myself, these feelings (especially why they are new). It just feels really weird coming out of no where and saying "hey guys, I know you've never seen me as anything but a guy and I've never really had a problem with that, until now when I'm suddenly very bothered by the idea, but also gender is some innate thing I was born with."
I feel like I can't be trans or I'd have known/felt dysphoria for longer :kitty-cri: but also I don't want to be a cis man.
I think it's not all for people to suffer from things they don't realize they're suffering from because of the tendency to assume our own experiences are much like those around us. Many people with debilitating migraines, for example, just don't realize that's not just a normal thing everyone deals with. Likewise, many trans people just assume everyone else is masking, so that's just a normal part of being part of a society. This is doubly true for ND trans people, whom would be taught to wear a mask whether they're trans or not, but not exclusive to. Combine the tendency to normalize our experiences and dissociation to dull the sensations, and it's easy to simply not realize it's there until a light is pointed at it. Additionally, many of us lacked the language to describe our feelings: either totally unaware of option if being trans at a young age or having some transphobic or stereotypical "always known and clearly fit the expectations of their gender" trans image that you don't want to be or don't quite fit.
As for other people, it depends. Some may just accept it. No explanation needed (which is technically always the case imo).
Some may be enthusiastic but skeptical. My brother was in this camp - I've been pretty open about a lot of things with him, so I get why he would be skeptical when I suddenly brought that up. But he clearly wanted to be convinced and just wanted me to talk about myself. It's what I wanted at the time because of my own uncertainty... I sorta wonder if he played the skeptic intentionally, knowing that's what I wanted. In this case, the conversation involved more personal details, so no clue how it would go with someone I'm not comfortable going into details with.
For me, I think the easiest way to organize my thoughts was semi-chronologically, rather than by importance, because making judgements about what seems more or less important seems like effort. Going though and writing out your own thoughts before can probably be helpful. If for no one else, for yourself since you seem to be playing the role of enthusiastic skeptic.
I don't have experience with coming out to transphobic people yet... only testing the waters. But you don't really owe anyone an explanation. Best of luck with these people.
But I don't feel like I was suffering silently or anything. I mean I guess I didn't know it was an option, and when I did I was given a very genital focused view, but like idk. I am ND, but still.
Thank you, that helps. I know I don't owe an explanation, I just want to help them understand. And understand myself.
Suffering doesn't define being trans. I certainly wouldn't use that word to describe my experience. The closest I would describe as that is when I was going through a similar experience as you of trying to prove to myself how trans I am. Can't say I don't think wonder about that, but the worry about it kinda faded into the background and figure I'll take a step forward at a time and figure out labels later.
I know :kitty-cri: I didn't mean to say it that way. But like, when I hear people talking about their experiences as a child it kinda sounds that way. Like they knew something wasn't right, or they'd never be the gender they wanted to be. And I just don't remember anything like that.
One of my favorite trans songs has the following intro:
And its written by a trans woman. Gender is messy and realistic portrayals of it are harder to explain to cis people who've never had any reason to examine what gender means to them*. Its easier for people to sell the "Emily was adamant she was a girl since she could speak and did all the stereotypical girl things" narrative than to have a more nuanced discussion about how things are for many of us.
*besides women having to be aware of misogyny and threats to them that guys don't have to think about.
:kitty-cri: I'm not crying, you're crying. That really hits home for me.
It would be so much easier to sell to people. I know I don't need to sell it but... It would be nice to have an easily digestible story.
Anyway, thanks for talking with me. It helps a lot.
I think what helped me was reading other trans people's experiences with self-discovery as well as the ways some of us tend to deny our own feelings and even fiction about the trans experience. Talk, listen, read. Find someone or a group that will listen to the ways you feel. Rant or vent in the spaces that you can.
It's a trope at this point but something that really helped me was reading through Nevada. Specifically the second half of Nevada that deals with denial, repression, and trying to rationalize the feelings away.
The trans experience is vast and diverse and your journey is just as valid as someone who may fit the image of the trans person that the media sells to society at large. Sometimes we just don't have the words to know what specifically is wrong, only that something is wrong. Sometimes we only begin to acknowledge that our normal isn't the normal until we have whatever knowledge may have been missing.
mental health stuff
Ive thought like this for a while and still mostly do, but my (new?) instincts have dragged me further along transition at every step, so I trust in that small part of my brain as something i can refer to (to myself or others) as the innate knowledge of my identity. Its still just one part of what feels like multiple layers of subconscious pitted against each other, but its the only one that doesn't feel like a choice to trust in, unlike the ones telling me that i feel worse as I transition. Those I blame on the depersonalization fading and making me actually feel the bad but mundane mental health issues that have been dormant ugh.
Thank you, that helps. I really don't feel like I have a choice either.
Hey, so
I don't either; it took some stupid book to alert me to the concept of gender being mutable. If I wasn't lucky enough to be made aware by my ex and a highschool english teacher, I'd probably be in your shoes. Looking back, as a kid I never had any thoughts about being a girl or hating my body or whatever.
cw cursed
Just a worrisome fixation on the weirdest and grossest types of gender porn, you know
Knowing beforehand is not a requirement, and the sentiment "I have suddenly realised that being a guy bothers the fuck out of me" is entirely valid. It might be surprising to other people, but their only job is to accept you, they can't see your thought processes, which is fine, they only need to accept you for who you are. You shouldn't be required to explain yourself, you should be allowed to do that when and if it's comfortable for you
Aw thank you :meow-hug: that helps so much.
I didn't know as a child. I had no idea. It wasn't until I was like 28 or something that I realized I was trans. Before that, I never would have said I was suffering or struggling with my gender or anything. There wasn't any gender-related pain I could point to. Then suddenly one day hearing myself referred to as "she" just rankled for some reason. It didn't feel right and this feeling of wrongness came out of nowhere, very strongly.
But a weird thing happened after I came out to myself and a few people around me. I started recontextualizing some childhood experiences and feelings and I realized, holy shit, I've always been trans, there was gender dissonance, I just didn't recognize it for what it was.
In time you might feel some of that, I suspect many trans people do. But even if you don't, that's ok! I'm not a person who thinks gender (or sexuality) is always innate and unchangeable. I think humans are malleable and our genders and sexualities can change, just as other aspects of our identities do.
Let yourself consider that you might be trans! You definitely don't need to have felt dysphoria for years, just not wanting to be a cis man is enough!