As in, absolutely no "close" friend, because turns out one was an absolute cunt, the other one simply didn't seem to care at all. No family either because I've met with a man contaminated with coronavirus, and had to isolate myself to protect my parents. Nor any significant other because of various factors that I won't get into.
So that's it. 2020 is the first year where I literally have no one left to talk/confess to. As a gift, I am offered a fucking coronavirus test, and that'll probably be it. I can't even cry anymore, because I feel so numb. I wonder if anyone has truly delved so deep into misanthropy as I did., becaues as it turns out, finding decent people to talk to is an actual nightmare, and I just can't be arsed anymore to go back to Tinder/Okcupid, or to hang out with my classmates. So loneliness for the foreseeable future it is.
That's it, I posted this here because there's no mental health sub, god fucking knows why. Have a good night, because I sure as hell won't.
Ok I'm legit amazed at the amount of answers, thank you all, you beautiful liberals. I'll try to answer to all of you.
Chapo chat was starting to be the first place where i felt comfortable talking about some issues that I’ve been bottling up for a long time, and then yesterday reminded me that I was sharing my mental health details with a bunch of cool comrades and... the fuckin FBI lmao kill me
We dont know that they know about this site, only that they know about the subreddit. In hindsight its obvious that a subreddit with ~150k subs on a popular forum website would be monitored.
I think it’s somewhat naive to assume we’re under the radar. There are people who’s job it is to monitor left extremism, which is clearly what they think this is. I, on the other hand, am a huge dumbass and have a different job, and yet I found this place.
That said I’m not trying to freak people out. I think someone is aware this site exists, and at least some posts are being read by the enemy, but I don’t think they know the name and home address of everyone here. Do practice reasonable opsec - don’t use a username that’s easily tied to you, don’t reveal details of where you live and shit like that, but don’t freak out about it.
Also assume they SETUP this site and everyone on it is a potential Fred. But don't like freak out, take comfort in that you can safely operate even within that context - if you assume the worst you'll not wind up entrapped in some FBI plot. Inevitably some of you fuckers are coppers - may our shit posting entertain
If they setup the site then everyone on here is compromised. They can trace your IP address and then use that to identify you based on the user activity on your device.
Which is why Brill Grates invented TAILS & our lord and savior TOR network.
The night of my 24th birthday my relationship blew up in a Chinese restaurant and I ended up drinking an entire bottle of rice wine on a railing of a city bridge as I prepared myself to jump. I was interrupted by a stranger and driven home, before not leaving the flat in shame and sadness for over a week.
I'm glad I had more birthdays, all of them were better, some a little, some a lot, some still sucked, but I'm glad I had them. If you can't have a happy birthday enjoy the spite of it - damn right I made it another year despite it all - and keep going. There will be better ones.
Thinking of you comrade. :heart-sickle:
Thank you for the words comrade. I will persevere, because there's still a sliver of hope that things will change. Also you have a great user name, hope you'll see it half full one day.
I wonder if anyone has truly delved so deep into misanthropy as I did
Bet.
I was ridiculously socially isolated before pandemic and was working myself up to breaking out of it when the pandemic hit
Same boat. I had one regular group activity I really enjoyed going to and then the pandemic killed it dead.
CTH both helped me to see hellworld for what it was, but also that I wasn't alone in that struggle, and never have been. I'm happy you guys are here after the ban, and I'm happy I got to look into joining an org IRL, because that's the first step for not feeling like completely isolated from the world.
Thank you for your words comrade.
oh i was an incredible misnathrope for a long time and kinda lowkey still am. i pretty much only spend time around socialists because after a long time not doing that, they seem like theyre the only population with decent people regularly strewn in.
dealing with sexual violence really makes you picky about who you associate with
Sorry you had to deal with that, a good chunk of people just outright sucks ass; and I know what I'm talking about, considering I spent years getting picked on for being a physically weak and small kid. At least, you found decent and considerate comrades to hang out with, so not everything is lost.
Chapo.Chad is good people. We're happy for your special day. I learned today that an acquaintance I was very fond of killed himself yesterday and am feeling very sad for you both. He probably felt similar to how you're feeling now. We care about you and are glad you're here to post with us.
Sorry for your friend, young men have a ridiculously high rate of suicide, and we can only blame capitalism and its associated ills for this. Thank you for the kind words regardless.
This sounds cliche, but you really do get used to the loneliness. Having no distractions is very beneficial for your life goals as well.
Most people are pieces of shit, and we’re not missing out on anything. That’s what helps me cope at least lol.
Looking for a socialist org that wasn't based on electoralism was the first thing I did that actually gave me some fucking hope for mankind. Every single chapo should do it, regardless of ideology or gender or whatever. I can only hope this virus will pass soon, and that I will be able to finally meet with comrades IRL. I only hope you can gather the strength to do the same thing brother, not everything is lost.
Hey man, for what it’s worth, i really hope that you see better days soon. I just want you to know that you’re not the only one who feels the way you do. Even if i can’t be there in person to say it to you, i hope you believe me when i say that i hope you have a happy birthday, friend. i love you
Thank you comrade. I'll see better days, because I'm determined not to let myself die just yet. Hope the best for you as well comrade.
Happy Birthday m8. It's a very isolated/isolating time we find ourselves in, but we've got each other. It's understandable that you're feeling down, birthdays are "supposed" to be celebrations with a bunch of people - but it's just a day. This too will pass.
Big love your way, feel free to plaster the board with your thoughts 💭
That's surely a far more positive way to look at things compared to how I tend to view them currently. Yet I can't help but think that once I get rid of depression and all of my ills, I'll remain a nihilist regardless, considering how insignificant and devoid of meaning everything seems to be, at least at the time I'm writing this. I can only hope the LSD will do its job and help me save myself.
But anyway, thank you.
Nihilism can be freeing too - if everything is insignificant and meaningless you're pretty much free, the typical pressures & stresses of life shouldn't burden you. Peak nihilism you can just skip out on anything to go listen to the birds instead, fuck it. It's totally meaningless & simultaneously its all the meaning we've got. If LSD teaches you anything it's surely that we're all connected.. The idea of seperation is a joke & a curse, we're all results of the various conditions we find ourselves of & in.
Prolly never get rid of all the ills, we've all got our battles to fight & everyone has different weights bogging em down, hangups, you name it.
Join an org, helping others is really something and building community and actually putting tangible effort towards making a world that more reflects justice, equality, freedom, solidarity... It feels good. It's empowering.
Also obligatory eat right & exercise to the best of your abilities - I get bogged down & have to drag my ass out of depressive holes. I'll be depressedly exercising for a few days wanting to die and after a week the metabolism kicks in & the good brain drugs kick in. It's like a fucking jump start to my broken assed brain.
We need you, the world needs you. You're doing great, shits fucking hard right now & we must persevere. We've got to build coolitions & rise above and resist despair. Demand a better world, fight for a better world, make a better world. Plant a fuckin tree or two!
Welcome to 24 friend, excited to see what you get up to. We're all in this together and WE'RE GOING TO GROW OUR HUMANITY TOGETHER.
Nihilism is dope, my brother is a total nihilist and he's by far the best person I've ever met. He's turned it into a sort of zen superpower, just the right amount of detachedness to extract brilliant takes & never get too invested or sucked into anything.
Hope you're day is going well ❤️❤️
Lol meant that as a reply to jor, not myself 😉
Happy Birthday!
I'm sorry its came round at such a shitty time.
Getting Coronavirus around the same time as your friends turning out to be not so good friends sound like an utter shitshow
It sounds to me like you're seriously depressed. I've been there and I know how hard it is to do anything especially anything new when you're that depressed and I remember despising myself at the same time for just not doing the things I felt I should do and at the same time cutting off more and more human connections and things that made me happy just to retreat more easily into comfortable numbness. I'm proud of you and impressed that you've managed to break through whatever your own version of that shit is and reach out here.
If you wanna chat pm me here, otherwise, as an internet stranger who shitposts on the same forum as you, I can't offer you much, other than to say that my life got better and yours probably will too. There are good times and there are bad times, neither last forever. You're in a bad time right now. Sooner or later it will end and more good times will come.
There've been times in my life I've spent consecutive days and nights lying in a filthy bed bed not sleeping, not eating feeling numb, that life was meaningless, that I was ruining the lives of the people I cared about and despising myself for not doing more to fix things and since then I've had mornings where I woke up early to watch the dawn, felt the first rays of morning sunlight shine down on my face, breathed in the sweet, fresh, spring air, heard the singing of the birds and reflected that life wasn't so bad as all that. Then I went back inside to make breakfast for people who love me and who I love in return. The dark days were bad but bright mornings followed. And those mornings were all the brighter for the dark days and nights that came before them.
It sounds like you're trapped in a dark place right now. I don't know if this is your first time and I don't know if it will be your last but I do know that sooner or later you'll find your way out, and when you do you'll have a map to guide you if you ever fall in again. As someone who's weaved their way in and out of dark plk plaves through most of my life, my advice to you is this: when you're in the dark places, alone and at night trapped in a well of numbness, despair or self hatred treasure your bright mornings, remember them, hold out for the next one, and know that it will only be brighter for the darkness you're currently enduring.
That's a comment I'm fucking saving, no way around it. And no, I'm still waiting for the results of the tests, I might not contaminated (or so I hope). Thank you for sharing this nonetheless.
I'm happy you came to your back-up friends here, and it speaks volumes about this community that people feeling like fucking shit reach out to us (it makes me feel good knowing I have you guys if I need you, too).
Anyway, happy birthday. What have you been up to lately? Picked up any new hobbies during the panny?
By the way, it's my birthday right now, too :)
Lmao, happy birthday to you too. Well, I didn't do much in this year, before the pandemic hit us, I was trying to finish what I started in terms of "body-building/fitness", and to find someone to live with for the rest of my life. This pandemic stopped nearly everything that I had going for me. I spent most of my days playing computer games, reading stuff, watching vids and browsing CTH, until it was banned. Ironically, it was through the discord that I found a french comrade living in my area, and started the process of joining an org. Also planning an acid trip, and trying to finish my degree. There's still some fight left in me, no matter how dire things might look.
Also your username is dope.
Wow, that was a nice read, makes me realize that I have such a tame life. 😅
Thanks for the share ! :heart-sickle:
hahaha holy shit
thanks for sharing, idk what else to say. definitely didnt disappoint when you called it weird
You certainly didn't lie lmfao. I only hope to get rid of this tame ass lifestyle of mine when this virus stuff ends. Thank you for sharing this.
Happy 24th comrade! Do not despair. You don’t need anyone to go for a walk outside! One of the simplest ways to change your head state is change your settings. Fuck tinder and OkCupid that shits only ever made me feel lonelier and I’d say that’s true for most other forms of social media. And if you can’t go outside for a walk Cook something nice for yourself! DM me if you want ideas for some kinda birthday treat, I’ll work it out with you. And I can assure you there are those submerged Much deeper in misanthropy because they are the ones who must Be stopped at all costs. What is more misanthropic than genuinely believing yourself worth billions of dollars! You have chosen to find value In yourself and others outside of wealth and this will always make you feel isolated in a capitalist paradigm. But do not give in to the despair! The world we all want to change and build anew is built on resignation to despair. Read a good book! DM me if you want a recommendation! Sometimes something that helps me escape the loneliness is reading something written before I was even born and finding ideas expressed that I resonate with so closely it feels as If they’re my own. But that’s just the truth that none of us are Truly alone In this struggle or ever will be exPressing itself through the mind of Some other human being at some other place in time struggling with the same capitalist alienation! Atleast you are brave enough to call the problem by its true name. Give yourself some credit for seeing things clearly. It totally sucks! But something i genuinely believe is that it will always takes more guts to be on the left because it is a whole lot scarier for all of us, there’s no easy solutions here. You’ve made it this far and you were bold enough to ask for some help. Give yourself some credit for that too. It’s really true that birthdays suck more as you get older and I’d say 24 is when that first started becoming evident to me too. And 2020 has been a dogshit year there’s no question about that. But stay with us Comrade because the struggle is worth it even if we never see things get better in our lifetime.
No matter how badly I sometimes wish for this to end, I'm not ready just yet. There are still some things that can be done to give myself some purpose, so wasting my life would not only be a tragedy for my family, my dog and my poor, poor cat, but also a waste.
I'll try to treat myself well today, and no matter the fact I can't go out just yet because I'm still waiting for the test's results, I sure have to thank you and the rest of the comrades here for your words.
Hey don’t worry about it. The end comes whether you rush it or not and you will find some purpose even if life’s bleak, you have plenty of comrades here to help. And your consideration for your fellow human beings is commendable but If you aren’t symptomatic and you can keep your distance from others while wearing a mask you aren’t gonna hurt anyone! Here’s hoping you get a negative result anyway though!
We're always here to talk comrade. I know we're just some randos on the other side of the world, but you can always vent to us and get a sympathetic ear.
See it this way Rachel, a good chunk of people are simply put, not worth your time at all. That's the conclusion I've come to, but there's still a small percentage of people who are worth it. And while meeting them is hard, you only need to get lucky once to have an actual friend.
