Final Fantasy XI
Final Fantasy XI is the eleventh numbered installment in the… Okay, you know what it is, I’m just going to tell you about one of the storylines!
During the Wings of the Goddess expansion, adventurers will be sent back in time to experience the events of the Crystal War, a cataclysmic event that is the foundation for conflicts of the modern-day timeline. Should an adventurer choose to serve the Kingdom of San d’Oria, they will be immersed in the story of the Young Griffons—a group of children who would see themselves knights, many of whom grow into prominent characters later in life.
Among the Young Griffons, the player will find Bistillot, a shy boy who doesn’t like to be seen. With his penchant for engineering, shy demeanor, and lack of combat potential, Bistillot prefers to spend his time inside of an orcish war machine that he was able to repair to working condition.
He is often seen before he is heard, with his signature phrase, “HAAAALLOOOOOOOOO” being used to hail the adventurer. Through the course of the story, Bistillot finds his way, even contributing to the war effort with his engineering skills.
However, when another member of the Young Griffons is kidnapped and taken to the present day, the adventurer must return to the present day and reunite with the Young Griffons’ present selves! The adventurer’s first contact in the present day is Bistillot. When the adventurer hears the signature “HAAAALLOOOOOOO,” Bistillot approaches the player, but what the player sees is… a woman?? She introduces herself as Bostilette, a “friend of Bistillot.”
After the rescue mission, Bostilette comes clean. She is, of course, the very same Bistillot who was a little boy twenty years earlier. She explains that she was very sick as a baby, so her parents gave her a boy’s name so that she would be stronger and survive the illness. Once she overcame the illness, she was comfortable to reclaim her name and gender. Well, that closes the book on that story, except… I’ve decided that’s bullshit!
I have unilaterally decided that Bostilette is trans, the sickness she had was dysphoria, she stayed in the orcish war machine because she was an egg, and I hope you all agree!
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As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well. Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
types of attraction
That part about the different types of attraction is very good to know. I knew about sexual, romantic, and platonic, but not much more beyond that. It makes a lot of sense, and helps me parse, how I've felt about people, since I've thought I've had some "crushes" in the past. Knowing about aesthetic attraction, as well as gender envy as a form of attraction (it makes so much sense), I can see that I was not just being weird about other people, but there actually was some sort of pull that wasn't sexual or romantic.
Looking at these definitions, I don't think I've experienced genuine romantic feelings for anybody or anything (like concepts) until after I transitioned. There was envy and aesthetic (as well as platonic), but beyond that, I might have to look further into my personal history. Very intriguing!
neurodivergence and masking/mimicry
I might be misunderstanding what you mean by mimicry, but it's been a habit of mine almost my entire life to take on the character of who I'm with. If friends act a certain way and do certain things, that's the mask I wear. There was a very long time where I considered myself to have multiple parts, and I lost my sense of self in the face of constant masking. I still mask, a lot, but I'm working on trying to do that less, and as you said, apologize for breaking out of that habit of suppression in order to fit in with a group.
I very often get told that I'm easy to talk to, and I strongly feel that it's because of my neutral personality when I'm masking. I affirm whatever is being said to me, no matter what that may happen to be, and I'll spew facts without any sense of personality. As a result, I also don't talk much, and I'm capable of talking a lot, just not in most situations. I'm hoping to change that, I want to be able to show my whole self in more situations. Even if that causes strife, I feel like I need to be willing to tell people how I feel, what I'm feeling, because for so long I simply didn't feel, and it made it way to easy to fall into this habit.
What I'm trying to say is, I think I know how you feel, and I'm very happy that you're beginning to process these things and take off the mask. And your therapist?
This post is definitely inspiring me in many ways so thanks for it! I've always lacked a certain depth of connection with others, and I hope that I can strive to think even a fraction as based as this
types of attraction
I know the feeling - trying to re-excavate all of my former interactions and try to think about "what was I really feeling here?" Aesthetic/gender envy was huge for me pre-transition, as well. I have always desired a closeness from my friends and I have always wanted just one or two people as Close Friends, and so that re-frames things too, lol...
And yes, I have a list of bad words in my head now that if I'm using them on myself or others are using them on me, I know something is being misunderstood, "being weird about other people" is a big one, but only you know recently. Last week I would have used that kind of term on myself, though...
I am still struggling to categorize whether or not I've felt romantic feelings like ... ever, honestly? What if what I've called romance is just the same desire for closeness I get from friends + sexual attraction??
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I know what you mean, godo luck!
ND
I mimic in two ways.
YES I completely agree.
I am glad you got something out of it!
bonus thoughts before I run out of time
So I've been thinking about attention and feeling close to people. I think we can think that it's really about the amount of time we spend with someone that makes us feel close, but I don't think that's really the core bit for us.
I think that the highest quality interactions (of any kind, with any number of people):
I still like spending lots of time with people, but this helps reconcile the contradictions I sometimes have had in the past where I would feel like it was never enough - people would always assume that meant I needed more time from them, but really I was missing one of the things above (#2 is a weak thing, lol I spent time with a friend this week and we talked about a whole bunch of different things at once, she was finishing up homework, her kitten was running around being adorable, but it was still an extremely good few hours because we both genuinely were focused on each other most of the time)