No job prospects. The work I do to support myself is come and go, and im probably gonna miss rent again. The older I get, the less friends it seems I have. None of my hobbies/passions excite me right now and just feel like a pain in the dick when I think about doing them. Every day is the same goddamn routine unless I go stay at my partners place.
It's cold and I hate going out in the cold, so that just compounds stuff further. Everything is dead outside. I'm tired, im always so tired. I can never get enough sleep no matter how much I actually get.
Feels like I'm just existing and I hate it.
I want to be very clear that YES, this is the depression talking. Everything you described is real and frustrating but not insurmountable and it sounds like you are starting out in a down place before looking at each.
If you are not in therapy I would seriously suggest looking into it to try to learn coping skills to pull out of negative moods. If books are your thing I really really rely on the methods in David Burns's Feeling Good. At very least I think it is helpful to be vocal with someone you trust and who loves you about the kinds of moods you can fall into. Don't inflict it on them but just try to describe neutrally, and maybe tell them they don't need to solve it but just listen at first.
Also Seasonal Affective Disorder is real.
Sorry if any/all of this is already very obvious to you, maybe it will help someone else in the future also.
Source: constantly battling crippling depression but trying to make the best of it lol
Rooting for u comrade
therapy can't fix systems of oppression. therapy can't make everyone else tale covid seriously. therapy can't create third places in my car dependent suburb.
therapy is a bandaid and all these problems are gushing mortal wounds.
Would you rather I had just killed myself? Sorry for not consulting you in my treatment program, the prescription is obviously to overthrow global capitalism myself in my lifetime.
All-or-nothing thinking is counterproductive. When you have a wound, do you just let it get infected, or do you apply first aid?
Maybe leave it alone when my response was clearly trying to help a comrade who is suffering? Inappropriate
i'm glad it worked for you, if it has. i'm not sure how thats related to the very real limitations of therapy in our garbage-ass society
I just don't think "our society is garbage and our tools are useless" is a helpful thing to contribute to the conversation, and it sounds defeatist and pessimistic.
Yes, talk therapy ALONE is insufficient to end world capitalism. Yes, many of the problems people discuss in therapy are directly caused by the exploitative and rapacious nature of our economic system. Yes, talk therapy itself is captured in the privatized health care system if you are in
. No one of us can resolve that, and the leftist utopia we dream of is unlikely to be rendered in our lifetimes.HOWEVER, if a person is suffering from persistent depression that reduces their capacity to experience joy in life and to contribute to the projects they want to contribute to, ESPECIALLY if thoughts of self harm are present, they should absolutely explore all available treatment options.
Nobody is saying "don't put a cast on your broken leg bc our society sucks", mental healthcare is no different.
I don't want to say anything else on this topic bc this conversation is very upsetting to me, feel free to have the last word or whatever.
HOWEVER, if a person is suffering from persistent depression that reduces their capacity to experience joy in life and to contribute to the projects they want to contribute to, ESPECIALLY if thoughts of self harm are present, they should absolutely explore all available treatment options.
I don't want to say anything else on this topic bc this conversation is very upsetting to me, feel free to have the last word or whatever.
it's rough on me as well to talk about it. over 20 years like this and over a dozen interventions have done nothing or made things worse because the tools aren't appropriate and the goal of the capitalist healer is to recuperate a worker, not a person.
Going back into therapy and doing medication might have saved my life. I don't 100% know if I would be here rn otherwise. I get that some people have bad experiences with therapy, and people have very real problems that can't be solved by therapy, but what else are you supposed to do? Just curl up and die?
but what else are you supposed to do? Just curl up and die?
eventually trying becomes too painful. i did what you're supposed to do over a dozen times and it never helped because the causes are never addressed.
I don't mean to ignore or downplay the benefits of therapy, not in the least.
But capitalism is something that can be experienced to different degrees. Being able to escape from its dynamics, if even in just a small location and only for a little while, is something that I've found immensely beneficial.
You're probably not going to overthrow global capitalism in your lifetime. But you can absolutely experience a context where people house and feed and care for each other without jobs or rent or price-gouging or legal entities, at least somewhat sustainably for a little while.
And maybe, if we get enough people doing this in concert, perhaps it will form a critical mass that makes the capitalist colossus collapse. And if it doesn't do that on its own, it will serve as the material basis for the launch point of a revolution.
Oh, definitely SAD playing a role here. I am in weekly therapy thanks to my partner, but my guy is out this week, so no session tomorrow. I'll be recording instead during that time, so I have a reason to get up and out of bed tomorrow.
Thanks for sharing. Sending love!
I can never get enough sleep no matter how much I actually get.
this was 2021-2023 for me. it turned out i had moderate obstructive sleep apnea. i just thought i was getting old and the world was falling apart, which are true statements. but the apnea thing had been silently building and its effects are cumulative over the years of never getting any real rest for the mind or body, as it would have to stir itself roughly every 2-3 minutes because i had stopped breathing. all of this unnoticed by me, just tired in the morning and tired all day and tired in the evening. sneaking naps when i could. i only did the sleep study because my PCP had been voicing her suspicions for nearly a year and pushing me to get it done. i was blase about all of it, but figured i would check the box to get her off my case about it.
my first real good night's sleep in several years, if not a decade, was january 2024. the materials said the effects of treatment were also cumulative and it would take months to disentangle my mind and body from what had happened to them, but after that first night i knew i was on the right track. i didn't wake up irritable. i didn't feel like i wanted another hour of sleep. i just calmly opened my eyes like an android, took note of the time, oriented myself, and started my day. i'm nearly a year later, and there's no question in my mind it saved my life in more ways than one. as my senses grew sharper, i noticed opportunities to improve my situation and had the energy and will to pursue them. i made conscious choices to replace good habits with bad habits. it all snowballed. "drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest" seems to be the perennially good advice for life.
i'm not saying you have sleep apnea and that this is your way forward or that diagnosis/treatment of everything isn't plagued by capitalist BS. however, i have noticed that a lot of people do have the apnea and are ashamed or embarrassed about having it, so they don't mention it until i'm like evangelizing to them one-on-one out of nowhere about how treatment changed my whole ass life. so its like this hidden epidemic. and i had no clue what was going on, despite being pretty invested/involved in my body and meta-cognition.
anyway, hang in there. i saw a corgi on a walk yesterday in the cold and it had on little yellow rubber boots that matched the poncho, which it seemed quite proud of as it eagerly pulled the bipedal parent along. everybody on the street was sort of transfixed by the scene.
Awww, dogs in boots are always adorable.
As for sleep apnea, I am most certain that I probably have one. What was it like to get a proper diagnosis, and was there anything cheaper than a machine that helped you out?
It was... not great, even living here in Sфviёт Cдпдdд. So much for universal health care—lungs and brains are luxury organs, just like our teeth are luxury bones.
The referral to the sleep study was pretty straightforward, and didn't cost me anything. They sent me home with a portable machine to wear attached to my face, and it recorded my breathing overnight. Then I went back to the clinic, they told me, "Yep, you definitely have obstructive sleep apnea." And then they asked me to pay $2500 for the machine and mask (which is about triple what it's actually worth at retail prices—and that's certainly marked up substantially).
Mercifully, my partner and I were both working at the time, and we had pretty okay health insurance, so split between our plans, our "health and wellness spending accounts", and putting the whole thing on a line of credit until they reimbursed us a month later, I was able to get my CPAP machine.
It's failing now, since that was over a decade ago. I'm dreading my next doctor's visit.
I wish Canada were 10% as cool as American liberals make us out to be.
yes, I want to live in the world that right-wingers believe we live in
my employer at the time was OK as far as benefits go, though those benefits were being steadily eroded so there was some lameness.
but logistically, during a routine appointment, my primary care set me up with a referral to the sleep clinic. I contacted the clinic made an appointment for a virtual consult. a 15 minute conversation with that person set me up with an appointment to come in and pick up a gameboy-sized pack with a sort of harness and some attachments where the clinician explained how I wear it and hook it up before bed so it could monitor my movements, breathing, and pulse/ox via the finger. they gave tips on how to sleep with it on and there was a little book to follow. I think they only needed like 4-6 hours of me being asleep to make a diagnosis, so they said if I woke up and shit was unplugged it wasn't a big deal. but I had to bring the pack back the next day and wait 10 minutes in the lobby for them to confirm it had enough recorded data, which it did. within a few days they gave me a diagnosis and another virtual appointment to discuss my severity (moderate) and treatment options. she wanted to start me on a machine and they set me up with an appointment to go into a DME shop who took my insurance and sent them my diagnosis/treatment settings. so I went in there and a super nice, gentle lady spent like an hour with me explaining how it worked and helped me pick out/try out different masks and shit based on what was important. everybody in this process confessed they also had apnea and confided they preferences for treatment. the DME lady got me all set up and talked about how the machine could be rented or purchased (this is where my insurance went shit because they negotiated away purchase to force rental, but if you can purchase or rent to own it's so much better... I got lucky in that I changed employers and my next insurance company / employer (after phone calls from me) just covered it all and I stopped having to pay anything. union job lol. they ship me new stuff and consult about how things are going every few months, letting me know about all the no cost stuff I can get to try other masks or whatever.
anyway, after the initial consult/sleep test at home, and treatment consult, it's actually been very chill. it sends my usage data and info to the clinic on its own via cellular network and they can make adjustments or whatever if needed. I adjusted to it immediately, though I didn't think I would. theyl advice I got was to take it home and try it on just hanging out on the couch or whatever to get used to it while not trying to sleep. shit, 10 minutes later I almost fell asleep.
anyway, I started looking forward to going to sleep because it's like actually restful and restorative.
so I had OK insurance that downgraded after a few months, then upgraded to good insurance about 8 months into treatment when I moved a thousand miles away to a new employer, which was a logistical pain in the ass at the time but as I was getting good sleep I had the energy and drive to stay after it.
Its kinda whatever, I just wish I didn't have to suffer or do it myself. If only I'd been born a little less fucked up ig.
Yeah, I know them feels love
The only saving grace I have is that I have a kind and caring partner who basically drags me out of my personal plague pit every day
A real
Do it for herkind of galI'm lucky to have my partner, I'd be in a much worse place without them since they help me with food costs and the occasional bill. The pups get me up and out of bed every day, but all 3 of them can only go so far to help my mental state, ya know?
Sending love
I highly recommend a gigantic pot of chili. It might just be that I am highly food motivated, but during the winter I get enormous comfort out of having a warm bowl of beanis and rice waiting for me when the day is over.
And it freezes great!
Chili sounds great! But I need some corn chips with it.
Had a bowl of barley and mushroom soup last night, was really nice!
That sounds incredible. Do you have a recipe that you could send, or do you just wing it like I do?
I think my secret autism power might be that I can just grab spices off a rack and know they're going to taste good together. I LOVE hearing about other folks' recipes so I can learn more!
Eh we just wing it. Wish I had more direction to point you in
Fair enough! Barley + mushroom gives me some ideas. I'll let you know how it goes!
Update: winged it, it turned out incredible.
I did a pretty bog standard mirepoix of onions, carrots, garlic
AND NO CELERY WHY WOULD YOU COOK CELERY THE CRONCH IS THE WHOLE POINT HOLY SHIT I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL, plus some ginger.Added some rosemary and thyme, added the barley and some soy sauce for salt, and let it simmer for an hour-ish. Then I fried up some shrooms in olive oil with some salt and pepper. I tossed them in at some point and I don't remember exactly when that occurred. At the very end I tossed in a bunch of spinach and a tiny bit of sambal oelek.
Thank you for the inspiration!
It would be too much to explain how, so I'm just coming in here to log a 'yes'.
spoiler
i've felt profoundly alienated and unable to connect on basic things lately.
I am having a very hard time finding work, and i'm realizing the world is both worse than i thought, and i'm starting to doubt my willingness to do what it takes to fight it.
I really just want to hide, and spend all day learning and reading what i can, trying to forget people want to destroy me for my identity. I can barely stand going outside lately. I don't find as much joy in anything, i'm often emotionally blunted. I just lost a family member that was dear to me, and maybe that's part of it.. but honestly this has been going on longer than that. it's just getting worse.
i've been forcing myself to go outside and make new connections when I can, and it seems to be helping at least.
Sorry for your loss, comrade. I can totally relate to feeling emotionally blunted. I force myself to not make new connections, but at least go out and be social with the bartenders at my favorite spot. I also like taking the corgi too, and perch up with her next to the register so everyone can pet her when they get drinks or whatever. She likes to meet people, and while I tend to not talk to much, I know it makes her happy which does a little something for me.
yuuuuup
no partner, community, or job and no way to get any of those without immense suffering and even if i tortured myself to try there's no reason to expect success. it's like a slot machine but you get a bone broken every time you pull the lever and the prize is still suffering under capitalism and all the other social ills marginalizing us.
What a good way of putting it. That really is what it seems like.
me too, but it's vanishingly unlikely and i have no power or agency
Yeah, I know I'll probably be more myself tomorrow, but for now it just fucking sucks
We could do a zoom call with people here to hang out and chat? Community is community...
opsec concerns aside, i'm the wrong king of neurodivergent for that.
i have some online friends and i cherish them but they are not adequate and hug.jpeg is not
une pipea hug
Moods like this always tell me I need escape
Not like escape from my problems (though that would of course be nice), but escape from me. That stagnant routine becomes a welcome backbone to my day-to-day when I'm really ensconced in something, be it a piece of media or a creative project of my own. Even just a couple hours of being so mentally involved in something that my awareness of myself melts away is deeply restorative. Maybe your depression doesn't stem from boredom like mine did (I think) but if it does, a little time in the flow state usually does the trick
Edit: this is very therapist-tone and I don't like it, so I want to also say something chummy and shitposty like "keep existing to enjoy the days Kissinger can't"
I actually totally get that. I'm gonna hit up the band space in just a bit and I'll be recording all day, so that'll be something nice.
I'm sorry corgi :( Yeah, our world is really good at making us feel worthless. Depression is a really rough feeling, especially when the seasons start coming into play. I've felt like I've been in auto pilot for a while and that's definitely a hard feeling to deal with. We keep putting up with the auto-pilot for those great moments like getting to stay at your partner's place, or getting a tutu for your pupper.
I have dysthymia so I get it. It sucks feeling like you are just in waiting mode all the time just for nothing to ever really happen, and no energy to do things you otherwise enjoy.
Ooooph yeah that waiting mode gets me too. Band added a new guy a month or two ago and we have to do practice at like 930 or 10pm cause he's got work/wife/kids, and it throws off my whole day mentally since I'm just waiting and waiting to go to the space
