My condolences to their son. Full thread if you want to feel bad for their children: https://twitter.com/herong/status/1515846706394501123?s=21
I would also like to point out this person is posting this to their 10k followers on their twitter account that is in no way anonymous.
One way or another this person will get what they want because if I saw my parent do some shit like that I'd never speak to them again.
It’s hard to express how much uncensored venting about your kids should be a private phone call, not a public Twitter thread
It's wild that people are even engaging with their premise (which I think is also wrong on its face) and not just telling them not to air this shit to the whole world. That's arguably worse than their apparent reluctance to be there for their kid. I'm so glad I grew up before social media seeing what my mom posts nowadays. Turns out a lifelong aversion to being photographed also payed off.
But this mother expects that she's going to get support from Twitter
And she's not wrong
Gotta love the possible future in which you can use wayback machine and see how much your parents fucking hated your guts via tweets.
I don't want to get bleak but if I saw my mom posted this online to tens of thousands of people after trying to confide something with her when I was 18 I would probably fall down the self hatred rabbit hole and possibly self harm.
Social media is a god damn nightmare
They’re fostering an 18yo and are surprised that they’re trauma dumping? Holy shit they’re a lawyer they gotta know what kinda shit they were getting into.
That said, the phrasing does make more sense when you’ve realize they don’t fully consider them “theirs” yet. That’s a really fresh relationship
even so, this is a very young person who's trying to rely on the only adult in their life. and this person knowingly took that on themselves. fostering a kid means volunteering to help them through their problems - you don't have to do it, it's something you volunteer for. to try and shirk that responsibility after agreeing to it is extremely shitty.
Yeah I grew up in foster care and am resisting the urge to rage on this whole situation. I remember what it’s like to meet an adult who’s only like a decade older than you and suddenly they’re your sole authority figure and confidant overnight. I don’t know what the legal status of this relationship is. I just assumed “tentatively adopted” wasn’t literal. And I know CPS does that “you’ve already signed onto one kid, so do you want their sibling?” thing all the time. Regardless, it seems like a similar situation and she is not handling it well
The younger ones are cuter and have less trauma and are therefore more deserving of love. I don’t make the rules.
Starting to wonder if reframing all human relations as a market exchange of goods and services between strangers has some harmful effects
indeed. and it's doubly infuriating to get fucking gaslit by smug neolibs like this who reinforce these paradigms while acting like they are enlightened beings who are "dismantling oppression".
They're doing the hyper-transactional dating thing but instead it's with being a parent and its SO FUCKING WEIRD :wut:
If the people close to me did this shit I would feel so isolated. It's got to be wreaking havoc on their kids' mental health. I mean, this person in particular, but also the phenomenon on general.
The emotional labor of giving my 9 month old and 2 year old both a bath last night.
:data-laughing: Yeah, making this one my main, though. Had to bring this tweet up to my wife this morning. It bothers me.
It’s a solid name. And I sent this to my wife too. Lots of shit talking
She's right. Parenting, especially work women are expected to put in, is uncompensated social labor. Having to manage yours and other people's emotions during said labor is emotional labor.
Extending the definition to parenting is an internet phenomenon, the academic discourse around the concept is largely centered around Workplace relationships, Customers, co-workers, bosses etc
In what world does “compensation” even make sense in a parent-child relationship, aside from the obvious dark implications?
Extending the definition to parenting is an internet phenomenon, the academic discourse around the concept is largely centered around Workplace relationships, Customers, co-workers, bosses etc
:this:
While I agree, conflating terms (not saying you specifically) like emotional labor and necessary social labor just leads to confusion
While both deal with linked aspects of social life they are distinct in the way they define specific relationships
One deals with reproduction of society on a basic level (children, rearing etc)
And the other deals with the reproduction of relationships internal to firms, that’s why when conflating them terms like “compensation” become creepy or just useless in a roundabout way
one thing to be careful with - the separation between home life and work life is artificial and they are in fact inextricably linked. that women are expected to perform caretaking labor at work can't really be separated from the same expectation at home. it's one of the reasons routinely trotted out by liberals to explain the wage gap - men choose to work more at the office. well yeah, women have more of the necessary and unwaged labor of social reproduction.
and all of this doesn't really apply to the screenshotted post. they chose to adopt/foster children and are presumably the only adult in their lives. the kids think they can lean on someone they trust and don't have another option. forget society - focus on the people right there who need help!
aside from the obvious dark implications
Graeber actually writes a bit about this in Debt
I like his bit about how, even more absurd than the idea of putting a bill together for parental services rendered, is the idea of someone actually paying it. What does that relationship mean now? That child and parent are suddenly equals with no obligations to each other?
The question is: Does it really make sense to think of this as a debt? After all, a debt is by definition something that we could at least imagine paying back. It is strange enough to wish to be square with one's parents - it rather implies that one does not wish to think of them as parents any more. Would we really want to be square with all humanity ? What would that even mean? And is this desire really a fundamental feature of all human thought?
The entire section on primordial debt is really great.
Oh yeah the opening really sucks you in. A good history book makes you feel like you're time traveling. He was such a good writer.
that used to be a thing in the pre-feudal world (called the patriarchal mode of production) where children worked for their fathers on the land belonging to their father without pay.
A child could ask for their inheritance while their parent was alive which was essentially telling your parent you wish they were dead and they should pay up the money due to you when they die. As with all cases of telling your dad to their face that you wish they were dead it was quite drastic and emotionally charged
That's even more interesting to me, flipping the situation on its head. Asking your parent to pay you in order to square your affairs.
the idea was that the children had performed years of service to the parent
Unpaid domestic and care work done by women seems to be fairly established topic in feminist discourse. Ideally you'd see this socially necessary work supported, supplemented or compensated by that society/community/government.
I don't think that's really being disputed here. Whatever point this person is making they shouldn't be posting it on twitter of all places. Their kid will see this and probably never feel safe confiding in their parent again.
This is some extremely narcissistic behavior.
Edit: Also as noted this person is apparently referring to their recently adopted 18 yo son, which like yeah no shit they probably have some shit to work out. The foster system in the US isn't exactly the most healthy environment and they have presumably lost or been estranged from their birth parents what the fuck do you expect?
It's not like they're a struggling parent, they chose to do this and as a lawyer they probably are pretty economically comfortable.
The more I think about this the more mad I get.
yeah being a figure of support for your children (biological or adopted makes no difference) is such a profound obligation that this is a deeply :haram: thing to say
They shouldn't be posting that where the kid can see. Hard to argue with that.
I think Engels talked about how having and raising kids is vital work for the maintenance of society that goes unappreciated and unrewarded. The majority of which is done by women.
sure but in this context, this person is talking about two children they volunteered to foster/adopt. they took the work on presumably because they could and because they wanted to. the kids aren't perpetuating a societal expectation that women must be the caretakers of the family - they're leaning on the only adult they have. as they should!
I agree they have an obligation to their children and I was proposing that society should better accomodate parents not that children should owe parents
The fuck else are you doing with your emotional capacity but raising your kids? If you want to make sure to explain to your son that he's perpetuating the femme labor paradigm go ahead but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have to fucking listen to your kid's problems
"Esq" in twitter name might actually be a worse indicator than :ukkkraine:
not true there are some labor lawyers who work for unions and defence lawyers who are cool people
And public defenders. Oh wait you said that. Specifically public defenders though, unsung heroes of the working class.
Parenting is when you resent showing basic human empathy for their children.
Like fucking hell, my parents were a mess at times but I never doubted they loved and supported me.
EDIT: Not saying all parents are like mine of course, I know many people who have killed for parents that rose to the level of "well intentioned mess"
It has made my relationship with adult male authority figures... complicated. As an autistic person, I already have a lot of trouble breaking out of routines, but I've been at a job I hate for years and I know that a part of the reason I haven't quit is an addiction to my boss's approval. He is an obvious surrogate for my narcissistic dad and the worst part is that I can see the brainworms doing their thing in real-time. I have to constantly remind myself that I have value apart from the way these people view me, and I hate it.
I don't want to care what my boss or my dad or any other man thinks about me, but goddamn is it a challenge.
My mom told me I was a mooch for accepting sweet, sweet FAFSA money totaling like $1500 a year when I went back to school. This same woman filed for bankruptcy years ago but made sure she maxed out her credit cards buying scuba gear and kitchenware.
When I turned 18, my mom got me a birthday cake with the words "CONGRATULATIONS GRADUATE, NOW GET THE FUCK OUT" on it and gave me a cheap luggage set. Like, OK, yeah, it's a tongue-in-cheek joke, I get it, yadda yadda, but you can't pull that shit after spending my whole life being a distant narcissist flake and not expect me to find it in really shitty taste.
It took until my mid 20s before I realized that people weren't just constantly trash-talking assholes to one another by default, and I'm still deprogramming myself because I don't want my kid to come out as some kind of earthly avatar of an ancient Sumerian sarcasm deity.
Mine moved in with her new boyfriend and I spent about 6 months couch hopping or sometimes sleeping under a bush because the job I was working didn't pay nearly enough to get an apartment and my car had broken down.
There's a person talking about how she's right to resent her child for coming to her for emotional support because communal parenting should exist. We're this close to a middle class liberal shooting a homeless person for asking for money and justifying it by saying communal housing should exist. Actually wait, that's Eric Adams lol.
Yeah but the fact that isn't the norm in this one means you can't just abdicate your responsibility for taking in a foster child ffs. They're twisting leftist concepts to satisfy their narcissism.
So she hopes she never has to speak to young people including her own children and she's clearly never spoken to an older person either...
You can't be mittens-cold but not hat-cold
That's one of the stupidest things I've ever read. Has she never met anyone older or with bad circulation?
A world class example of the absolute state of parents in :amerikkka: lol
Two parents stuck in their phones because they’re busy owning each other while their kids learn that social isolation is normal
But I'm conscious of the femme labor paradigm it's reinforcing that I'm the "parent" confidant.
YOU'RE LITERALLY HIS FUCKING PARENT, IT'S NOT SOME ANALOGOUS BULLSHIT, YOU FUCKING ADOPTED HIM
Can confirm. Am a foster parent and I'm continuously baffled when the 3-year-old I'm taking care of doesn't genuflect and worship me as a benevolent god-king. These damned kids are so caught up in their own "I was ripped away from tormented poverty-stricken parents at a formative age!" drama that they forget about my own emotional needs.
If you're going to treat your children like a burden, then don't have children.
You can love your kids and also understand that being a parent is work and a type of job. I think more people would be better at parenting if they were honest about that.
This person is honestly doing a pretty good job of that. I’m sure they have a different tone when talking with their children directly.
Eh it’s a different way of handling things, but if you’ve been open with your kid about the dynamic it’s fine.
Conditioning older kids to view their parents as their only source of support is toxic. That thread is literally about parenting a kid as they realize the horrors of capitalism lol
I’m assuming if they’re writing this publicly then they’ve already talked about it. Either way, they phrased this in a way that is obviously activating for people. I get what they’re talking about, but whatever. :shrug-outta-hecks:
Edit: it looks like they’re a nonbinary person who is acting as a foster parent for trans kids that wouldn’t have a home otherwise.
That’s a pretty standard phrasing for a problem you’re dealing with idk
Get him/help him get a therapist and/or a crisis councelor then?
This doesn't seem that difficult just fucking talk to him and say you feel like you cant fully help him but you might be able to find someone who can or something idk. Whatever you do dont fucking tweet about it for clout, christ.
This is the "my parents sent me a bill for the cost of raising me" with an intersectional aesthetic.
