I moved to Germany from India 4 years ago. Before you have a prejudice regarding me, I would like to state that I am a open minded, leftist, very much aware of privileges society and an atheist.
I got out of a four year long relationship last year and since then it took me this many months to move on from it. My attachment style is a bit anxious oriented. But since then I have been doing therapy and have got hell of a perspective within myself. In short, I have a better control of my life.
I started dating again last month after 5 years and I feel like I am either toooo old for this current dating scenario or just a bit conservative. It seems like people are just looking for hookups, for which I am not against it but I am looking for something long term. And it's just so hard to find someone like that. Every other person I meet is either there for fucking or polygamous relationships. I am not sure if it is just the Germans or this is a global thing. But I feel like me wanting to have a monogamous, long term relationship and possibly a marriage is considered a bit conservative now. I know that one can never decide on longetivity of relationship and I also don't go out there say openly that I am seeking some life long partner or whatever but I wish to have one. Please help me get some perspective on this, how do I exactly orient myself in this? Do I need to change the way I think about wants and needs?
What kind of clubs or groups are you part of? That tends to just kind of happen organically.
It does happen organically, but lots of people are not very good at reading others or situations for various reasons, many of which aren't anyone's fault. So they miss a lot of the cues others are putting out that makes everything flow nicely. I couldn't "read" a situation or a person romantically until I was 19 lol. After that it was like a switch flipped in my head and everything became much easier.
Yeah, you put in enough time working at it that you figured it out. That’s rad!
Tinder is particularly oriented towards hookup culture, and you'll probably have to look at the other apps. I've heard Hinge is better about it. I don't know if that's still true through multiple layers of hearsay and an entirely different country.
I also don’t go out there say openly that I am seeking some life long partner or whatever but I wish to have one.
On dating profiles, you should mention that you're looking for a long term relationship. Add a layer of hedging if must ("Looking for something that could turn into a long term relationship.")
Hedging helps, anyway, because it's not like the first person you go out with is necessarily the one™. IMO, honest communication should be established immediately, too, esp for long term.
Are you using dating apps or online dating? I find that it kinda self selects for that kind of thing.
I 'used' OkCupid. Not anymore, since I found it way fucking superficial. Working on my real life skills. Especially with a brown skin, I am defaulted to be a creepy person so I am trying my extra best to not be one. But racism, indeed plays a big role, even in the most progressive set of people on different levels. Dating surely is hit by that.
Especially with a brown skin, I am defaulted to be a creepy person so I am trying my extra best to not be one
It really sucks that you feel like you have to this, but yes unfortunately racism is everywhere. And yeah OkCupid is not used much anymore, everyone is on tinder, so it attends to attract a weird crowd as of late.
You just have to be patient and not lower your standards in that regard. I would say don't date someone that is racist, even if they are kind to you, because I've seen it happen before and it doesn't end well.
I don't think you should ever try to change want you personally want. It is not just in Germany, this trend is also in America. But not everyone is like this, you will have to look in different places. Dating apps for example are mostly for people who just want hookups.
Yeah dating apps suck. That's why I deleted them. But real life dating is something I am not really sure how to do it 😅
This isn't an actual trend though. "Hookup culture" was much more prevalent decades ago. Gen Z and Millennials are having less casual sex than previous generations were
for real? could you link me something about it? not that I don't believe you just curious
No. You're not being all that conservative at all. Hookup culture is kind of the norm everywhere, at least that's what it seems like. Polyamory isn't even all that common, but you're also probably on dating apps where hookups and polyamory are a lot more common. Your best bet would be to get out there and meet people, obviously easier said than done. Are there local Indian communities in your city that you can maybe get to know?
Every other person I meet is either there for fucking or polygamous relationships.
where do you meet all these people? lol
Exactly! Where?! Who even does that kind of thing? I need to know so I can uh...report them for indecency, yeah.
If you want monogamy then that's what you want, there's nothing to be ashamed about there or feel like you're wrong to want. One of the things I've had to learn regarding long-term relationships is that, while its super important to learn to compromise on certain things, you're also looking for someone who shares your outlook on life and not everyone will be compatible with you even if you really like them. A person who wants a polygamous relationship and someone who wants a monogamous relationship will not really work out, but that doesn't mean anyone is wrong in their wants, it just means two different people want and need different things.
It seems like you have a pretty good idea what you want. I wouldn't say it's conservative or anything, its just your preferences. So I think going forward you just need to realize you're looking for a certain type of relationship, and with certain people this just won't work because it's not what they want. No one is wrong, you just need to find someone who shares your values
It seems like people are just looking for hookups ... Every other person I meet is either there for fucking or polygamous relationships
hell yeah dude :big-cool:
Serious answer: most people I know start with hook ups and then see where it goes. I don't think I've ever started a relationship off as committed / exclusive since probably jr high. You date around and then once you click with someone, you bring up the idea of being committed.
That's different for everyone though, I have a friend who is demisexual/romantic and it takes him a while of being friends with someone before he is really attracted to them.
Either way, if you're bringing up marriage on the first date, then that might turn some people off. Getting too intense right away is often a sign the person might not have great emotional regulation or be safe to spend more time with.
You've only started dating again in the last month though and you haven't dated for 5 years. You're probably rusty right now, it's going to take you a while to warm up again.
You mentioned you were single for around a year before dating again, which is good. It's awesome you mentioned that you went to therapy and have done that work to figure out you have an anxious attachment style.
TL;DR: You're potentially rusty. Don't worry about finding a relationship right away and instead have fun dating for a couple months.
edit: I'm not in Germany, so I can't speak to that specifically.
Yes, I am very well aware of that. Especially from my last long term relationship I have understood a lot about setting my personal boundaries and such and such. So this time, I am really not rushing things at all. I, personally, don't like the idea of marriage in first place. Rather it is just that if I want to live with someone for long time, I would rather have my financial shit figured out and in Germany it's a benifit if you are married w.r.t taxing savings and all. I think, I just wanted to say that I wish to stay that longer in a relationship, not marriage as the ultimate goal or whatsoever. So I would never bring up such naive long term issues until I guess I am in 1+ years of relationship with someone.
But, anyway, yes! I need to still control on my early emotional investment in someone. I think it is rooted from the culture I come from.
It's tough! I use to crush hella hard on girls I was into and it took a while to work through that. Romance is fun and it feels great, but it sooo easy to over-invest emotionally before the timing is right. Good luck out there! It legit sounds like you're on the right path.
Yes TG. But most of all, I just feel like if people really were taught how to communicate the needs and express their wants properly and in a non-judgemental way. So many of the fucking issues just wouldn't exist in first place 😅. I was really mindfucked by the ghostings. You meet someone, they are hella attracted, everything is perfect and then the next day... GHOSTED. This shit has become so common now. Very annoying curve in the dating world in this 5 years of a gap 😅
Ghosting is pretty much necessary as a woman, you should expect it. Most men handle rejection extremely poorly and it’s not safe to try and navigate that.
I have the same problem. Hookups are cool, but also feel like a waste of time. I have enough fuckbuddies, I don't need more, but everyone I meet that's all they really want. That or it ends up being a completely non-sexual friendship. Which is cool, but I want a partner.
Not saying this isn't a real question, just that some caution should be taken
Nothing to worry about. I am not a troll, I just found this community a few days ago and on Reddit I found it was just a mess of an answers when these kind of questions are asked.
Oh yeah, reddit relationship advice is an open sewer. Try commenting in some other posts as well. This site gets trolls because we're not reddit, so everyone is always a little :fry: when a new account posts without any other activity.
edit: right as I posted this, one repeat dude popped up lol
I get it. I would really support this newly found community if it stays to its ethics. But these bad apples, I tell yaaaa.
The problem isn't the current dating culture. "Hookup culture" isn't a modern day phenomenon, and Gen Z and Millennials are having less casual sex than previous generations were. And 99%+ people are monogamous.
