Holy fuck I wonder how different things would be if I grew up differently. Would I have realized in time? Would I have gone through male puberty? I'm so sad right now at the thought. I can barely type this out. Things could have been different. I'd have a better voice. I wouldn't be this disgusting over grown man. I'd have gotten to be a young woman. I'd look good right now. Maybe I'd even be dating someone. I could be living my best life. What would that depression as a teen have looked like? Did my gender have more of an effect on it then I ever would have thought at the time? Would I be beautiful right now? It just hurts so much.
If nothing else maybe my head wouldn't be full of worms about being trans.
I'm just making myself worse. I'm reading more. Why. Why is that not me. Why can't I be that 12 year old lktle trans girl with her mom who loves and understands her so well. Why.
I'm so fucking pathetic. Why am I crying about that. Why am I doing all this for attention. I'm so upset. I feel the wall between me and my eyes getting further. Am I really trans hexbear. Why am I crying
After i cracked, i went through a grieving phase for the girl i hadn't been allowed to be and after that another grieving phase for pre-transition me, a cringe but genuinely nice person that couldn't live on any longer. It's part of the process i guess. It's normal to feel like that for a while and accepting these feelings as legitimate and living through them is part of moving beyond them at some point.
You're so absofuckinglutely valid for grieving every second you weren't able to be your authentic self, whatever the reason for it was.
lot's of gender "what if"ing
My mind always races back to a time I was 4 or 5 years old and was able to articulate to god in a prayer that I wanted to be a girl. I closed my eyes and imagined that when I opened my eyes, I would be wearing a dress, have long hair... I imagined coming up to my mother and her being so happy to see the true me. when i opened my eyes, these things didn't come true, but the thought felt so exciting that I couldn't not share my desire with my mother. What followed was enough for me to throw that memory so deep in the vault, that i didn't think of it again or remember it until around 20 years later when my egg broke.
I'm constantly haunted by the thought of "what if my parents were accepting and just allowed me to wear a different type of garment from what was considered normal? what if they allowed me to grow my hair out? what if by the time i reached puberty and started experiencing the worst body horror shit imaginable, there were people there to support me anys I didn't feel completely alone for years and years and years? what if I i didn't even have to go through the body horror shit in the first place because my parents were interested enough in my wellbeing to do some reading and found out I'm trans? what if went through the right puberty? what would it be like? What would it be like to be fem presenting in a time of my life when i was able to socialise with my peers so easily every day?
Anyway, idk how to cap this off, but I hope it at least makes you feel a bit less alone. Lots of love 💕
I think a lot of us go through this. It’s not easy to think about or come to terms with. It took me a good while before it started to have a lessened impact, but it’s definitely not quite there yet and I’m 21 months into my transition. In the end, I hope that you’re able to find peace with yourself in this matter. No one deserves to go through such mental agony.
I feel like I've taken a lot of shortcuts in my transition. To make you even more shocked, my egg cracked only 23 months ago. When I say I moved quickly, I moved quickly. After all, I just had my bottom surgery only a month and a half ago. To be quite honest, having gotten my bottom surgery so early makes me feel bad and greedy. I don't feel like I put in the time like others have. Like I didn't "deserve" it, you know? I feel like a ton of other people could've used that surgical slot far more than I could've and that I simply didn't deserve it.
There's no time requirement for this, you deserve every single gender-affirming anything you can lay hands on No "shortcuts", everybody moves at their own pace.
There's no priority system for bottom surgery, if you had bottom dysphoria you deserve it and it's good you got it. Ngl, it's heartwarming to see new trans people (yourself, Estradoll, etc) getting squared away and accessing treatment so fast. That's how it should be in a just world, that people can access all aspects of transition as fast as they desire. It took me a yaar to get on HRT for instance, I'm glad it doesn't always take so long for people ✨
Yeah, you're right. It's something I forget. I just remember all of our comrades that have been working on getting bottom surgery for years and here I am, just getting it as early as you can without paying a dime because of insurance.
Honestly, I'm just really fucked up right now due to my PMDD. I'm usually not bothered by such things, but gods today's been not great. I hate every second of this shit and I got like 4 or 5 more days of this shit.
Oh, and ネタバレ is Japanese for "spoiler." It's autofilled on my phone since it's set to Japanese and I don't always bother to remove it.
_
You're very lucky, but also nobody should hate you for this y'know. I can see how people might envy or resent the ease with which you got it, but it's not your fault, it's all the fuckin transphobia y'know.
Hoping it eases off sooner rather than later for you, had a coworker who had that once, shit's nightmarish
Yeah I was just shitposting, being goofy =) I punched it into translate the first time you used it
I've been reading through trans reddit and
dysphoria/puberty/sad posting
If nothing else maybe my head wouldn't be full of worms about being trans.
spoiler
I'm just making myself worse. I'm reading more. Why. Why is that not me. Why can't I be that 12 year old lktle trans girl with her mom who loves and understands her so well. Why.
I'm so fucking pathetic. Why am I crying about that. Why am I doing all this for attention. I'm so upset. I feel the wall between me and my eyes getting further. Am I really trans hexbear. Why am I crying
It's getting bad hexbear
Also, please don't response with "you shouldn't think about what ifs" or something like that. I'm grieving.
After i cracked, i went through a grieving phase for the girl i hadn't been allowed to be and after that another grieving phase for pre-transition me, a cringe but genuinely nice person that couldn't live on any longer. It's part of the process i guess. It's normal to feel like that for a while and accepting these feelings as legitimate and living through them is part of moving beyond them at some point.
You're so absofuckinglutely valid for grieving every second you weren't able to be your authentic self, whatever the reason for it was.
lot's of gender "what if"ing
My mind always races back to a time I was 4 or 5 years old and was able to articulate to god in a prayer that I wanted to be a girl. I closed my eyes and imagined that when I opened my eyes, I would be wearing a dress, have long hair... I imagined coming up to my mother and her being so happy to see the true me. when i opened my eyes, these things didn't come true, but the thought felt so exciting that I couldn't not share my desire with my mother. What followed was enough for me to throw that memory so deep in the vault, that i didn't think of it again or remember it until around 20 years later when my egg broke.
I'm constantly haunted by the thought of "what if my parents were accepting and just allowed me to wear a different type of garment from what was considered normal? what if they allowed me to grow my hair out? what if by the time i reached puberty and started experiencing the worst body horror shit imaginable, there were people there to support me anys I didn't feel completely alone for years and years and years? what if I i didn't even have to go through the body horror shit in the first place because my parents were interested enough in my wellbeing to do some reading and found out I'm trans? what if went through the right puberty? what would it be like? What would it be like to be fem presenting in a time of my life when i was able to socialise with my peers so easily every day?
Anyway, idk how to cap this off, but I hope it at least makes you feel a bit less alone. Lots of love 💕
:meow-hug: thank you. It's good to know other people feel that way. It does make me feel less alone.
:meow-hug: thank you. I really need one right now.
I think a lot of us go through this. It’s not easy to think about or come to terms with. It took me a good while before it started to have a lessened impact, but it’s definitely not quite there yet and I’m 21 months into my transition. In the end, I hope that you’re able to find peace with yourself in this matter. No one deserves to go through such mental agony.
Thank you :meow-hug: I'm trying. It's good to know other people feel this way.
I didn't realize you were so early in your transition.
You got this. Keep it up and stay strong. Persevere and there's a better world waiting for you on the other side.
Never thought about it before, but yeah. I suppose 21 months is early into transition. I guess I've just moved at a super fast pace.
To be real I was shocked when you first said 21 months, I woulda expected you woulda been a few years in at least. I feel old
Oh. Is that a bad thing?
No =)
Honestly, ngl here
ネタバレ
I feel like I've taken a lot of shortcuts in my transition. To make you even more shocked, my egg cracked only 23 months ago. When I say I moved quickly, I moved quickly. After all, I just had my bottom surgery only a month and a half ago. To be quite honest, having gotten my bottom surgery so early makes me feel bad and greedy. I don't feel like I put in the time like others have. Like I didn't "deserve" it, you know? I feel like a ton of other people could've used that surgical slot far more than I could've and that I simply didn't deserve it.
Honestly, ネタバレ here,
There's no time requirement for this, you deserve every single gender-affirming anything you can lay hands on
No "shortcuts", everybody moves at their own pace.
There's no priority system for bottom surgery, if you had bottom dysphoria you deserve it and it's good you got it. Ngl, it's heartwarming to see new trans people (yourself, Estradoll, etc) getting squared away and accessing treatment so fast. That's how it should be in a just world, that people can access all aspects of transition as fast as they desire. It took me a yaar to get on HRT for instance, I'm glad it doesn't always take so long for people ✨
ネタバレ
Yeah, you're right. It's something I forget. I just remember all of our comrades that have been working on getting bottom surgery for years and here I am, just getting it as early as you can without paying a dime because of insurance.
Honestly, I'm just really fucked up right now due to my PMDD. I'm usually not bothered by such things, but gods today's been not great. I hate every second of this shit and I got like 4 or 5 more days of this shit.
Oh, and ネタバレ is Japanese for "spoiler." It's autofilled on my phone since it's set to Japanese and I don't always bother to remove it.
ネタバレ
_ You're very lucky, but also nobody should hate you for this y'know. I can see how people might envy or resent the ease with which you got it, but it's not your fault, it's all the fuckin transphobia y'know.
Hoping it eases off sooner rather than later for you, had a coworker who had that once, shit's nightmarish
Yeah I was just shitposting, being goofy =) I punched it into translate the first time you used it