How do you feel when a guy is kind of clingy and possesive? I'm the jealous type and I get suspicious and anxious women im dating or want to date don't message or text me back right away.
I often wonder if I have some type of borderline personality disorder, im so immediately afraid of abandonment. Like immediately I assume the worst if I'm not messaged or texted back right away.
Erroneous and somewhat misogynistic thought often says that women are the ones who are clingy, im here to tell you this is not the case lol. I'm just as clingy and workable moreso than any women I've me
I've gotten some good advice in other threads I've made, but I'll be more specific here.
If I don't know them, avoidant. If I do, scared.
Work to communicate your anxieties, but also to manage them. Don't try diagnosing yourself, particularly with something as complex as BPD, speak to a professional and see where you go.
Also find hobbies/keep your hands busy, people have lives and so should you/aren't always immediately available.
And stress less. Anxiety/abandonment/jealousy/possessiveness/control/etc will fester if you let them, don't feed the beast.
Good luckthanks for being honest. I've had women im dating tell me that I sometimes intimidate them when I get jealous Im a fairly tall dude like I'm like 6'1 so I imagine for a woman who's more petite than myself that would be scary.
Let me clarify I've never ever put hands on woman or screamed at one or anything. Just argued over my jealous suspicions
I pretty much work, get off,ndo some reading and then I'll start wondering "hmm well she said she was just going out with friends". I need to check in on her.
Wouldn't dare diagnose myself just think maybe I should speak to a professional about it, thank you though.
Preciate the thoughtful response.
Appreciate your honesty. I wasn't saying I was virtuous or anything for not yelling at or hitting someone. Just didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea that I commit domestic violence on the regular, or at all. Sometimes stuff is lost in translation.
Obviously I recognize all this behavior is largely negative so Im trying to examine it with the help of my friends on hexbear, and then do some ruminating on my own.
I would resent being expected to be constantly available and quickly responding no matter what I'm doing. If I'm busy, I'm not looking at my phone. There's a good chance I won't even see the message till hours later. Being in the position of having to choose between 1) constantly checking my phone so my SO won't get pissed if I don't immediately respond or 2) ignoring my phone as usual and expecting to have a fight over suspicion/jealousy later would frankly end the relationship for me. You're turning yourself into a chore and lack of trust is a dealbreaker.
It's good that you're self-aware enough to know that you have an issue. I really encourage you to work on it with a therapist if that's something you can manage financially. Remember that your SO isn't a possession, she's a person with just as many interests and distractions as you. She isn't at your beck and call whenever you choose, she isn't an NPC that stands still with no thoughts until the player character initiates a conversation.
I don't date men, but I also think this issue is gender agnostic tbh. Having things going on in your life is important. If you're genuinely in the middle of something, how would you feel if your partner was upset that you didn't stop what you were doing to respond? It's really important for your partner not to be your entire world. There may be other things going on as well, but that's definitely a big part of it
I could definitely be projecting but I think this is a result of internet brain. You get used to the dopamine kick from all the constant little notifications and so when you don't get an immediate response your brain thinks something is wrong.
For me, the solution is to spend less time online/texting and just call people when I want a reply. I also sometimes get overwhelmed texting people back so I try to remind myself that there are plenty of other people who feel the same way.
Definitely. I somehow forgot this thread was about texting with romantic interests as soon as I started typing so that advice was meant more generally.
no yea the expectations for relationships were definitely way different across the board when the only way to talk to someone was to call them on their phone at home or just knock on their door.
if I didn't reply instantly to your 400 texts in a row what makes you think I have free time for something as interruptive and intrusive as a phone call? that better be an emergency, not a habit of boredom/anxienty.
Yeah I don't do this. Just wanting to clarify for everybody I do not send 400 texts in a row. With my last girlfriend it was like one and then I'd quit bugging her but still be anxious in the back of my mind.
I skip the 400 texts part. If they don't answer the phone I follow up with a text like:
"Hey, this is merry, just calling about _______! Get up with me when you can."
I stopped texting out of boredom because I hate how it interrupts the flow of the conversation.
At best, anxious that I'm going to do something wrong, like take too long to answer something. At worst, he's going to follow me around and every bit of info is going to be used to track me and bother me wherever I go.
Yeah this is what I'm told I feel bad that I would make someone feel that way because of something im doing wrong.
In the context of mental health and getting your various social needs met (which this is all about), I'm going to avoid talking about right and wrong. Yes, there is consent and all that, but if you spend all your time thinking about this it's pretty easy to ride the line while still engaging in harmful (to both yourself and your, um, mark) behaviour.
If you're asking this on a terminally online communist forum, you've probably already tripped my description above. I'll try to keep things relatively clinical, but be aware that I'm only able to do this because of the interpersonal separation I have from your situation.
I think young men are more likely to be prone to this sort of behaviour for a few reasons. The behaviour itself stems from attachment trauma followed by a neutering of social means to feel secure in your attachments. To expand on my hypothesis for why young men are more likely to suffer from this:
- Men (and boys) are more likely to have emotionally surface level relationships. This is a cultural thing (which I'm assuming about you, no matter). Masculine relationships tend to focus on hobbies and material life changes, there's a lot less discussion of feelings and relationships. Why this is the case doesn't really matter, what should matter to you is that you are not getting a lot of social needs met by these relationships and thus see romantic relationships as your only way of seeing those social needs met. You can't change the world or even just Western Masculinity, but you can work on your personal relationships to make them more emotionally open.
- Men are seen as "more manly" for being in a romantic relationship than women are seen as more "womanly". Therefore, men have a higher drive to be in a mediocre relationship than women do. Ironically, this means its easier for women to actually stay in a mediocre relationship. This also means men are more desperate for a romantic relationship at all.
- Men have different expectations in dating. Women do have an active role, but especially at the start its less explicit. The immediate risk of rejection is higher and less able to be rationalised (I see a lot of people here mentioning rejection sensitivity). While women are at much higher risk of being victim to abusive or violent behaviour, but I could see some men not wanting to raise the risk of rejection (again), and wind up being clingy in an otherwise "fine" relationship.
There are also a number non-gender-specific things that encourage this behaviour:
- Rejection sensitivity is present in a few mental affects. ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder are both examples. BPD (borderline, not BiPolar, which I constantly think even though I know it's not) itself leads to:
- Attachment Trauma. Your early relationship experiences inform how you feel and behave about later relationships. If your parents were negligent or flaky or randomly violent, it's likely parts of your brain fear rejection and abandonment way more than is healthy. This feeds into all other points pretty universally.
- probably others idk I'm drunk
Now, I don't want to say that any of these are "wrong". You don't have to self-flagellate because you want a partner. What IS important is being aware of whichever feelings are affecting you and causing these behaviours which likely are not (in the long term) helping you achieve your social needs. Are you afraid of abandonment or being alone? Are you afraid of being laughed at by your male peers? Do you want more hugs and cuddles than you are currently getting, or afraid of losing access to the current supply? etc etc. Once you understand why you are behaving a particular way, you can then work on the behaviour realistically.
I also realise that therapy gets recommended a lot and that it's not always realistically accessible. I also don't really have a good prognostication for each thing, sorry. Not at the moment anyway.
Possessive screams red flag. It is okay to have insecurities, but when you make them your partners problem by being possessive/jealous that is unfair to them, signals that you dont trust them, and signals that you view them as property. If you behaved this way toward one of my friends I would ask them if they were alright and would let them know my concerns and if they ever needed any material help leaving the relationship I am available to provide that.
Imagine how you would feel if every time you went out with your friends or went to get groceries or went to work your partner was worried that you were cheating or something. And that your partner was bigger than you and capable of killing you, and that your partner's demographic is known for domestic violence. Really take some time to put yourself in that perspective and think about how it would make you feel.
The jealous type is a normalization of an unhealthy behavior. It is not normal for monogamous people to be constantly jealous, it is an indication of an unhealthy perspective/behavior/dynamic. Jealousy is just like pain, if you are constantly feeling it that means there is an injury or you or someone else keep doing something to hurt you. (And if it is relationship agnostic it is probably you) if you are feeling it check in with yourself about what the root problem is. I can guarantee you 99 times out of 100 it isn't your partner, so don't make it their problem. (You can communicate about it as long as you don't blame it on them and don't do controlling behavior like expecting things from them to assuage your own feelings)
On a softer note, it sounds like you're feeling lonely and are worried about being lonelier, and I'm sorry, that shit sucks. Our society makes it really hard to connect to people and maintain ties. If you have the means I'd encourage you to go out their and make more friends (especially with women if you can, because perspective from friends is a million times more helpful than strangers) I've had feelings of jealousy in the past (in nonmonogomous relationships) and I've come to conceptualize them as my feelings letting me know I wasn't getting my needs met, and most of the time those needs were generic intimacy between friends, lovers, etc needs that my partner just wasn't able to fulfill, because theyre one person and I needed more human connection in my life.
I think it is a good idea to talk to a therapist about these feelings, it could just be your feelings, it could be borderline, it could be abandonment trauma, it could be rejection sensitive dsyphoria from adhd
This is an absolutely insightful comment and i love you for making it (platonically).
For me btw, being autistic this is even further hardened by the fact that my brain, against my will, translates longer pauses in communication as rejection/disinterest (i am having problems with texting someone with adhd/major executive dysfunction who just completely forgets to text me for days) and it can overwhelm someone pretty easily.
guy who expects me to instantly reply back? probably a serial killer or worse. Sure, there's a 12% chance that doesn't apply to you, but I like not dying and will make decisions based on that preference. Actually I don't mind dying, I just don't want to be locked up in a cage in a basement.
I dont expect anything instantly . I do get somewhat jealous and suspicious though on occasion. It's more of an anxiety thing with me and it has ruined many a relationship. I'm somewhat tall and fairly good looking (at least Id like to think I have nice features) so initially getting into relationships is always fairly easy for me. It's making them last that I have trouble with sometimes. And it's due to my jealousy issues undoubtedly.
Also, s far as I know I don't have the desire to strangle anybody or lock somebody up In my basement. Though I did ask you guys how you'd feel , So I guess thanks for the honesty?
Actually I don’t mind dying,
I'm sorry, you really shouldn't have to feel like that
You're not being funny with this, you just come across as an asshole.
"Just be confident bro!" "Don't worry just be yourself bro!"
It's frustrating, because when someone tries to point out that men need dating advice, you're hit with "oh that's not a thing just be normal." Seeing this in a leftist space (of all places) is super discouraging.
Yeah I came here asking for specific help to make my relationships last longer and be more chill for both myself and the woman I happen to be seeing.
Short little quips aren't exactly helpful In a thread where I wanted serious advice.
"Hey mentally ill person, have you considered just not being mentally ill?"
If you don't have anything to contribute with just shut the fuck up please.
I don't tolerate this in the women I date, and if I dated men I wouldn't tolerate it in them. Sometimes I won't answer you for a few hours. Sometimes I wont answer you for a day or even two, especially if I'm travelling. I can and will leave you on read.
I know this makes me a bit of an asshole and well...this is the bad part of me. If it's a deal breaker then...that's really sad.
I'm busy, I got shit to do, I have limited capacity for personal interaction and between org work and two careers and hobbies I have to do a lot of it, if it's not an emergency go away, I have scheduled Netflix nights 18 months in advance, stop panicking.
If it is a crisis I'll drop everything and be there, but if not sometimes I'm in an 11 hour long meeting.
My response to someone being jealous is that I do not have the fucking time to fuck around with other people. A quick look at the non-euclidian space known as my calendar will confirm this.
Boss gets a dollar and I get a dime, that's why I post on company time.
It’s not possible to text back right away. I can’t be texting while driving, working, hanging out with friends, and so many other activities
don’t message or text me back right away
what kind of delay are we talking?
I actually have adhd. I just looked this term up and see the two are closely interlinked.
