Final Fantasy XI
Final Fantasy XI is the eleventh numbered installment in the… Okay, you know what it is, I’m just going to tell you about one of the storylines!
During the Wings of the Goddess expansion, adventurers will be sent back in time to experience the events of the Crystal War, a cataclysmic event that is the foundation for conflicts of the modern-day timeline. Should an adventurer choose to serve the Kingdom of San d’Oria, they will be immersed in the story of the Young Griffons—a group of children who would see themselves knights, many of whom grow into prominent characters later in life.
Among the Young Griffons, the player will find Bistillot, a shy boy who doesn’t like to be seen. With his penchant for engineering, shy demeanor, and lack of combat potential, Bistillot prefers to spend his time inside of an orcish war machine that he was able to repair to working condition.
He is often seen before he is heard, with his signature phrase, “HAAAALLOOOOOOOOO” being used to hail the adventurer. Through the course of the story, Bistillot finds his way, even contributing to the war effort with his engineering skills.
However, when another member of the Young Griffons is kidnapped and taken to the present day, the adventurer must return to the present day and reunite with the Young Griffons’ present selves! The adventurer’s first contact in the present day is Bistillot. When the adventurer hears the signature “HAAAALLOOOOOOO,” Bistillot approaches the player, but what the player sees is… a woman?? She introduces herself as Bostilette, a “friend of Bistillot.”
After the rescue mission, Bostilette comes clean. She is, of course, the very same Bistillot who was a little boy twenty years earlier. She explains that she was very sick as a baby, so her parents gave her a boy’s name so that she would be stronger and survive the illness. Once she overcame the illness, she was comfortable to reclaim her name and gender. Well, that closes the book on that story, except… I’ve decided that’s bullshit!
I have unilaterally decided that Bostilette is trans, the sickness she had was dysphoria, she stayed in the orcish war machine because she was an egg, and I hope you all agree!
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some thoughts on emotional repression, CW long post, childhood shit, some unkind things I've been called, references to homophobia, being misunderstood
been a while since I posted a proper thing here, been busy figuring some stuff out, tbh.
Anyway, so I was in a therapy appointment this past week and Cool Therapist noticed that when I talk about people or even when she says the names of my friends that I have extremely complicated feelings. Happiness - but then conflict, suppression, trying to stay neutral.
I've been mulling this over for a few days now, and I think I finally know what's going on here. I've always felt strong emotions about any person I am in contact with. I'm prone to mimicking and effusiveness, which since I was very young has been both considered "pathetic" or "clingy" and/or misinterpreted as romantic intent and I was bullied quite a bit for it.
But this morning I think I finally understand - I feel lonely because this is a form of masking that I've internalized. I got kinda fed up with myself this week and just decided that I'm sick of apologizing (to myself/to others) for the depth and kinds of feelings that I feel for people, and I did some reading on a-spec. I am grateful to the friends who heard me out on all of this stuff as I was trying to find language etc. even if it was quite intense and even upsetting for me at times due to the baggage I carry.
I discovered the Split Attraction Model. I discovered several different categories of attraction. I discovered the phrase "action is not attraction." Following is a snippet from my notes about different types of attraction in case anyone is curious (I took these from a couple of Youtube videos that I really liked, I can link his videos if anyone is interested in exploring deeper):
Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is that now I'm aware that I've been hiding strong feelings from some people in my life, especially a friend that I've known for over a decade. So, last night, I told her that I was really grateful to be spending time with her. It was a small gesture, but suddenly I feel like for once in a long time, the intensity and pressure that is always building up inside me was finally expressed in the right way.
And the relationship cop in my head telling me that I'm feeling too much and that's wrong (the one that really likes terms like "outsized emotions" and "fixation"), well ... it is quiet (for now, at least, I am certain that this will not be my last battle with it).
This probably seems really silly and minor to a reader, but the hard part that I've struggled with has been being able to express these emotions without them being misconstrued or having people be grossed out. The pressure builds up inside me because I internalized so much of other people's insecurities from a young age (whether it's being called gay (in a derogatory fashion), or accused of having a crush, or being called "creepy/clingy/pathetic," fuck heteronormativity etc.) that it creates so much conflict in me even just trying to have social connections that I felt trapped and lonely even by my deepest relationships because I simply cannot express myself honestly. In addition, because the feelings build up, they end up becoming stronger and stronger as well.
Today, I want to be free from all of that, and let myself actually be seen by not just my partner, not just my closest friends, but by everyone I trust. I am still working on being able to express upset/anger/etc. emotions to people, but expressing positive seemed like the easier of the two so I started there lol.
types of attraction
That part about the different types of attraction is very good to know. I knew about sexual, romantic, and platonic, but not much more beyond that. It makes a lot of sense, and helps me parse, how I've felt about people, since I've thought I've had some "crushes" in the past. Knowing about aesthetic attraction, as well as gender envy as a form of attraction (it makes so much sense), I can see that I was not just being weird about other people, but there actually was some sort of pull that wasn't sexual or romantic.
Looking at these definitions, I don't think I've experienced genuine romantic feelings for anybody or anything (like concepts) until after I transitioned. There was envy and aesthetic (as well as platonic), but beyond that, I might have to look further into my personal history. Very intriguing!
neurodivergence and masking/mimicry
I might be misunderstanding what you mean by mimicry, but it's been a habit of mine almost my entire life to take on the character of who I'm with. If friends act a certain way and do certain things, that's the mask I wear. There was a very long time where I considered myself to have multiple parts, and I lost my sense of self in the face of constant masking. I still mask, a lot, but I'm working on trying to do that less, and as you said, apologize for breaking out of that habit of suppression in order to fit in with a group.
I very often get told that I'm easy to talk to, and I strongly feel that it's because of my neutral personality when I'm masking. I affirm whatever is being said to me, no matter what that may happen to be, and I'll spew facts without any sense of personality. As a result, I also don't talk much, and I'm capable of talking a lot, just not in most situations. I'm hoping to change that, I want to be able to show my whole self in more situations. Even if that causes strife, I feel like I need to be willing to tell people how I feel, what I'm feeling, because for so long I simply didn't feel, and it made it way to easy to fall into this habit.
What I'm trying to say is, I think I know how you feel, and I'm very happy that you're beginning to process these things and take off the mask. And your therapist?
This post is definitely inspiring me in many ways so thanks for it! I've always lacked a certain depth of connection with others, and I hope that I can strive to think even a fraction as based as this
types of attraction
I know the feeling - trying to re-excavate all of my former interactions and try to think about "what was I really feeling here?" Aesthetic/gender envy was huge for me pre-transition, as well. I have always desired a closeness from my friends and I have always wanted just one or two people as Close Friends, and so that re-frames things too, lol...
And yes, I have a list of bad words in my head now that if I'm using them on myself or others are using them on me, I know something is being misunderstood, "being weird about other people" is a big one, but only you know recently. Last week I would have used that kind of term on myself, though...
I am still struggling to categorize whether or not I've felt romantic feelings like ... ever, honestly? What if what I've called romance is just the same desire for closeness I get from friends + sexual attraction??
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I know what you mean, godo luck!
ND
I mimic in two ways.
YES I completely agree.
I am glad you got something out of it!
bonus thoughts before I run out of time
So I've been thinking about attention and feeling close to people. I think we can think that it's really about the amount of time we spend with someone that makes us feel close, but I don't think that's really the core bit for us.
I think that the highest quality interactions (of any kind, with any number of people):
I still like spending lots of time with people, but this helps reconcile the contradictions I sometimes have had in the past where I would feel like it was never enough - people would always assume that meant I needed more time from them, but really I was missing one of the things above (#2 is a weak thing, lol I spent time with a friend this week and we talked about a whole bunch of different things at once, she was finishing up homework, her kitten was running around being adorable, but it was still an extremely good few hours because we both genuinely were focused on each other most of the time)
Its sad how little this is talked about outside a-spec spaces. People do seem to at least differentiate between sexual and romantic attraction somewhat (just look at the game fuck, marry, kill as a pretty explicit example; granted, romantic attraction often seems to be thought of as something like sexual attraction + platonic attraction mixed together rather than romantic and sexual attraction being two independent things).
Categorizing feelings is still difficult, especially if you are not sure you've experienced one of the types.
Congrats on your progress!
Yes, I've had that silly game in my mind a bit too as a normative example of split attraction in a sense. And I agree being unsure about experiencing one of the types is a big thing, lol
really good post, helping me think about some feelings as well
thank you for your kind words, that means a lot to me