It is kinda ruining my life lmao. I have never felt this strongly for anyone. When we talk, I can ride that high for days. But then she gives me (what I perceive as) the cold shoulder and the depression I feel... boy. It's been like this for months. I cannot go on, man.
in my experience the best way to get over a crush is to have a dysfunctional relationship of ten years end and then eight years later be unable to get over that instead
Divorced/ex-fiance gang
My approach to crushes is way different now for sure
Don't build someone up in your mind. They're never what you want. Go off of the material things they've done that you like and also focus on the things you don't like
Also, friendly reminder to temper expectations. Women are often friendly with a lot of people because society demands it of them. Women also tend to be much more cuddly.
Don’t build someone up in your mind
My life would be so much easier if I didn’t do this but that’s probably why I have a personality disorder diagnosis 🥲
A crush is a kind of fantasy (in that you idealise someone, imagine how your life could be with them, etc). You destroy the fantasy by exposing it to reality/action, in this case expressing your feelings honestly to the person. If it works out then great, if it doesn’t then it’ll be easier to reorient yourself and you’ll find someone new to crush on.
I had this absolutely fantastical unreal expectation of what I thought a friend of mine would be like if we dated and it turned out my fantasy was completely underselling them and we’re married now and I want this for everyone
Every other crush I’ve had was way off from reality in a bad way, and this one was way off from reality in the best way possible.
One word: limerance. You're enjoying a fantasy as a form of emotional self-regulation. Once you realize it was a fantasy that you built up around your crush that in all likelihood you don't know all that well, it's pretty easy to get over it.
I know it’s a fantasy. I’ve been in that for six fucking months. It’s getting worse.
I’ve read the whole thread and you need to express your feelings to this person ASAP
Why did you come to that conclusion? I do want to but I want to do that in person not over text and I’m also scared. I want to ask her to coffee or brunch or something first but then I don’t know to tell her what I’m feeling. I’m just confused.
The longer the relationship stays like this, the longer you will fantasize and create a perfect image of her/the relationship in your head, which will be damaging to the actual relationship and actual person should the relationship happen
be communicative and get the chance to keep movement in your life.
I think of it, and largely as a framework for most things, as a cosmic & super fucked up roller coaster. Which is to say your resistance is futile and the feelings and whether or not they work out are secondary to your gratitude for being in the amusement park in the first place. Like if you get blown the fuck out it's like puking after going on the roller coaster - you can still go "wooooh!" and laugh with your friends while your stomach is turned inside out and your hair is all messed up. Even if you're the subject of the picture and you look ridiculous you can still put a funny caption on the picture before posting it.
I hope to love recklessly and passionately until I find someone who actually wants to hold onto it. I want to get the most out of my time at the park. Seldom do people on their death beds reach up to the light and go "I gave too many compliments!" before shitting themselves and dying. Which is to say tell them how you feel yesterday and puke if the fast half of the coaster is too much.
Wow. Incredible. Thank you so much. This was very well stated. I just…I don’t want that confession to end up making things extremely awkward at work. And I want to do it in person if possible. Any advice?
Comrade, I'm not a good person to ask for that sort of thing. But my intuition tells me that you should invite them to get a sit down meal outside of business hours.
-
if they're not going to do that then you wouldn't get much further if feelings were involved. Paying for someone's lunch is a good way to exchange information, ask for advice, and clarify situations in general.
-
you can express your feelings
-
you can ask whether they're interested in learning more about one another - especially in consideration of risking awkward work situations. Risk tolerance varies from person to person.
For your own sake and theirs I would frame this as curiosity about connection no matter how sure your infatuation feels. I think, blasphemously, that the yearning in your chest is primarily a signal (to be more curious about them). There's a whooooole lot more to learn about a person you're infatuated with that you'd only ever know when you're close to them. There's every chance that they're afraid to be vulnerable because they'll drop their walls, let you in, you don't like what you see, and you reject them in a way that feels super personal. Which is why it's so important to be disarming, curious, and sympathetic. Talk slowly and confidently knowing that even if they reject you it's fine because you were only looking to learn more.
(Disarmingly throughout) invite to lunch -> ask about their love life -> express your feelings -> see if there's interest to pursue something
-
something that helps me is focusing on the reason why i have the crush: the person i have feelings for is a good person. i want them to be happy. if that isn’t with me, and i’m not going to disclose my feelings, then i try to remind myself i want what’s best for them even if it doesn’t involve being closer with me. it helps those feelings change.
I’m not a good person cuz the thought of them being with someone is physically crushing ngl.
ah no dude don’t say that. it’s normal. i get it. you’re in a difficult spot, i’m sorry.
Wait wait wait, is this the same woman that stood you up on a recent date and left you waiting for an hour at a restaurant by yourself?
Even if you confess to her, and she says yes, I feel like you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
She gives you the cold shoulder?
I had a crush who was doing this to me, and when I talked to my sister about it she said "gee, she sounds like a peach 🙄" and honestly having someone point out shitty behavior to you is so helpful.
Don't put your life into someone who makes you feel like that.
Pour yourself into hobbies, friendship, quiet alone time in nature, and if you have access to it, therapy. Do things that feel good which won't hurt you in the long run
This and also allowing yourself to express and process those feelings. Keeping a crush bottled up is a one-way street to idealizing someone rather than appreciating them for who they are and usually leads to a disappointing confession once it becomes too unbearable.
It depends. You’ve gotta be mindful of your relationships.
If you process this by talking to a friend who’s a 3rd party, how often and for how long can you do that before they get sick of it? Every day for a week? A month? A year?
If you talk about it with her, are you trying to pursue her? Do you want friendship if she rejects you? I think my go-to way is to say something like, “I value our friendship and I’m having these feelings and I want to talk through them because I don’t want to jeopardize anything.” But your mileage will vary. A very real possibility that people tend not to think about because we’re taught to devalue it is that you could find the two of you being good friends in five years and these feelings being long behind you, or at least not dictating your mood.
If neither of these options sounds good, journaling can help. Whatever way you can manage to feel your feelings, like as sensations in your body not just intellectually, and get those feelings out, do that.
Yeh that’s tough lol. I got lucky my most recent crush was only in town for the weekend 😆
Time to embark on a grand quest to prove your love
Slay an evil dragon, recover the ancient bonesaber of Zuma-Kalis, make peace with the elves
Seriously though, if this is a friend or someone you're seeing on a casual basis, it's probably best to talk to them about it. Just try your best to be clear and honest.
If it's someone from your job, then it's a little stickier, but still best to be honest.
If it's someone from your job, then it's a little stickier, but still best to be honest.
😭
I’m scared. But I guess I have to. Rip off the bandaid.
It's more like opening a window really
Yeah, sometimes an angry wasp gets in, but you also can get fresh air and nice smells
Seconding this. If it really is just a crush you just need to get out and mingle. There's so many cute people with interesting mannerisms out there. Getting your heartstrings tugged enough by enough people will give your brain some control again.
Ugh I feel this man.
I confessed to them right as they were starting a burgeoning relationship with someone else.
"If I had known sooner maybe I'd feel different"
Which maybe they just were trying to be nice but goddamn did that feel like a stab in the gut. Especially since it acknowledged the fact that we had/have really good chemistry.
Anyway, I've gotten over it now (mostly) and we still talk and hang out. Pursueing other romantic interests so your thoughts don't dwell on them can good for you I think.
I struggled for about a 2 weeks after really bad.
Thanks. I don’t know if I can. No one else I talk to stirs these intense emotions in me. But I think you’re right. Confessing is probably the only way of getting over them.
Confessing isn't the path to getting over it. Confessing or talking to them about your feelings is just the path forward.
Good or bad it'll bring peace over time and take away that "could've been" feeling
Either way don't feel too down about it comrade. Life is a story and it's beautiful even when it's not what you had initially planned.
Author and psychologist Frank Tallis has made the argument that all love—even normal love—is largely indistinguishable from mental illness
Fucking based.
For example, when people fall in love, there are four core symptoms: preoccupation, episodes of melancholy, episodes of rapture and instability of mood
Yeah….i might have limerence. I’m all of this.
that limerence most commonly lasts between 18 months and three years with an average of two years, but may be as short as mere days or as long as a lifetime
BRO WHAT THE FUCK. NO NO NO GET ME OUT GET ME OUT GET ME OUT.
Yeah, its bad, I had limerence for a while, like 2 years, Im over that person now. It was really hard getting over it as they helped me a lot with my mental problems, yet I ended being emotionally dependant on them and became toxic myself, of course I didnt know, I was really depressed and I clinged to anyone who would help me
I went the three-ish years route, 0 out of 5 stars. I think that Frank Tallis guy wrote a free self help guide I used that was too little too late for me by the time I came across it, but the content was good.
