tried calling an old friend from years ago this morning.
they said "oh, hey! can I call you right back?" and then never called back :sadness:
Find a hobby you enjoy with a social element. Outdoor exercise like hiking or especially running, card and board games with local scenes, playing music.
Consider going to classes for a skill, like building or crafting something.
I appreciate this tip, however I still feel as though it is difficult to break into social circles like this. I have considerable anxiety related to meeting people
the people doing Friday night magic at your local game store often have the same social discomforts and anxieties, trust me
Plus, the point of these activities isn't just to be in a situation where there other people. The shared activity gives an easy topic of discussion and a distraction from the social effort. You just play the game/do the thing and it happens naturally.
I do sincerely appreciate the encouragement. I dont want to seem contrarian but just even finding these groups feels out of reach. Everyone says just join a group but literally I dont understand how to find said groups. Might be my own inability but it is terribly isolating to be in a city alone. Edit: I also dont play games like magic. Ill play other board games though.
The steps to get involved in it aren't complicated (I keep harping on a game store because it's what I do personally).
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Use this site to find one near you https://www.localgamestores.com/
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Pick one and look at its event schedule
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Go to something described as beginner friendly
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Give it your best effort; no one is judging you
It won't be easy, but it will be simple. If you've come here asking, you understand that you need to make a behavioral change to improve your social life. This is it. It requires effort and commitment.
Do you mind if I message you in a few days to ask if you've followed up on this?
You can follow up, it will likely not be a totally positive result when you do. However I see what you mean and will do my best to try and improve. Thank you again! :heart-sickle:
It's hard to do something new and scary! But your comfort zone is only making you miserable, so you gotta break out of it..And sometimes you will fail! That's ok. The key is to not let things discourage you.
Motivation comes from doing.
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Do you have a friend/sibling to join in? Everyone is as nervous as you are.
No, I moved to a city alone. Edit: Also do not have siblings
I've moved around quite a bit the last 10 years, all the friends I've made are people I share common interests with. Try and find people who like the same movies/tv/books/sports teams/ideology. Is there a DSA? I've been there, it's lonely, and it takes work to find friends.
Tried political stuff before to get involved and got kinda burned by disengenius recruiting.
I'm naturally charismatic (despite being a closeted introvert who just wants to read books in his room without seeing anyone for a week in reality) so I usually wind up being the person that gets approached by coworkers/acquaintances about hanging out. Jokes on them though because I'll say "sure!! I'd love to, just hit me up!" and then they'll text me that weekend while I'm sitting at my PC smoking a bowl in the same clothes I was wearing on Thursday, which results in me going "I'm just gonna reply in an hour and say I was busy...."
It is a painful cycle of being too lazy to engage with relative strangers which leads to me being lonely and wanting friends who'll hang out with me all the time. I did this to the only confirmed leftist coworker I have right now and despite my attempts since then to suggest we hang out, he has not taken me up on the offer --- HOISTED BY M Y OWN PETARD
seriously can't these people ask make plans before 5pm when I'm stoned af
Better yet why can't these people just be happy with coming over and hitting the bong why do we have to go to a bar where the bartender will sigh and tell me to fuck off when I ask for a white russian or a mudslide. :finkelstein-anger: It's inconsiderate to me!!!
I can relate to this for sure. The only thing that works for me is to make concrete plans for the day and time right there in the moment. If I say, "sure, lmk sometime," it never happens because I'm home and I don't feel like going out.
The only thing that works for me is to make concrete plans for the day and time right there in the moment.
Yep. You can usually count on me to show up if you text me on Wednesday asking if I want to hang out Friday night at 8pm, but if there's even the slightest vagueness to the plan then its more likely I'll forget about it by Friday and thus won't want to hang out when asked
I think it's a pretty common problem--or at least, it seems that way to me because people are pretty understanding. If I say, "I'd love to hang out, can we make plans right now? I've found that if I don't, then I just say 'yeah, someday' and it never happens," people usually make plans with me right away. Sometimes I have to kind of force myself to take that first step though, because my introversion loves to talk me out of social engagements, but I know that once I make myself go, I'll have fun.
Just be nice to people, but stay savvy. Being cold and aloof is a good defense mechanism but it's not savvy. You have to get in the weeds if you want to find out what works or what doesn't, and it may take time and it will definitely take effort. The ones that try to take advantage of your kindness aren't ever going to be your friends. Friendship is about "give and take" but it's not actually transactional, if that makes sense. Sometimes you give more than you take, sometimes you take more than you give. Friendship bonds smooth over that incongruence. The ones that embrace your kindness, and respond with kindness, keep them close, and never let them take advantage of you. If they are friends they won't even try.
Friendship is not a pissing contest. If you find yourself trying to one-up the other person so you can seem cool enough, or you find them constantly one-upping you, I don't think its going to be a friendship or more no matter how hard you work at it. You shouldn't have to try to impress your friends, and they shouldn't be trying to impress you either.
Above all, be patient. Try to be patient in your communications. In a world of instant gratification being patient is a valuable asset. Don't overthink each minute interaction. Don't worry if your last message was "left on read." They might be dealing with other shit at the moment and they will value a person who isn't going to throw a giant fit because they didn't respond on your time. They are people that are as human and complicated as you are, and that's actually what you want, because what you want is a peer if what you want is friendship. You should be respecting them and they should be respecting you. Same goes for romance as well.
These are all very solid advice/insights. If someone is a real friend you should always root for them, sometimes they need to lift you up, sometimes you need to lift them up, sometimes things are going great for both of you, sometimes one of you is killing it but you’re just kind of stagnant, sometimes you won’t talk for many months or years at a time, sometimes you’ll find the spark again and tear it up like the good old days, but the most important trait for a friend to have is that you know they have your back for real and vice versa. I think “real” good friend like that I am lucky to have 3 of those. And I’m close with my brother and cousin so I’m blessed with a lot. Things aren’t always going great and I haven’t accomplished many of my goals but knowing I have a few ride or dies helps a lot. Everyone deserves that. Love
-Soulja
Agreed, totally agreed. That kind of friendship stands the test of time. The other thing I forgot to include is that a good friend also holds you back when you're about to say or do something stupid.
I've found that when trying to make friends there's a way of being that is simultaneously aloof and open while also maintaining a certain level of guard around yourself. Being open and selectively vulnerable is key to laying the groundwork for lasting friendships. As the friendships grow you can lower your guard and have real trust, but that takes time.
Most of the friends I've made as an adult have been through work or church. I keep saying that one of these days I'm going to go to a local meetup for board games or hiking, but my introverted self keeps chickening out. Maybe that'll be a good resolution for me to make once I get my vaccine.
Honestly even if I believed in the jeebus I don’t think I’d go to church. Shit seems boring as fuck.
I also got dragged to church as a kid. There were snacks, but the real fun was playing tag running in between all the old people and climbing on the mountain of stacked chairs.
That's fair, and I've certainly daydreamed my way through my share of sermons. A good preacher can definitely hold my attention though, in kind of the same way that a good teacher could hold my attention during a lecture. (Does it help that I'm a nerd and I liked school, and would still be taking classes just for fun if they were free? Probably.) I also love singing, especially choral music, so the music part of it is also fun for me.
I think that participating in a ritual that has centuries of history has appeal (that said, most protestant sects have removed all tradition from their liturgy).
I mean, I think it was a cool ritual when it involved like incense and Georgian chanting and dudes talking about the Demergue and shit. Or go even more back and sit in a bit and drink fungus juice and trip balls.
Every time I’ve been to church I sit overdressed in a really warm room (cuz old people) and we sing really boring songs and then some guy talks to us about how some Bible story tells us to be friendly to people.
Most of my offline friends are people I met at social events like punk shows and such. So i cant help you at all.
For real though, meeting people through political orgs takes a lot of the "OH FUCK THEY'RE INSANE" out of the equation. It's still there a little, but not as bad.
Find a hobby, join a group. Could be a board game, a sport, exercising, donating time for the poor political campaign, ect. Do something face to face.
Food not Bombs is cool. It's easy to get plugged in. I don't think it building socialism, but it's a good way to meet socialists and make friends.
Some of the only new friends I've made in years are through FNB.
if you like music, go to shows. easy mode is getting drunk at said shows and talking to people.
Truly don’t know. Of the 8 people I consider actual friends (or at least can reach out to or would make plans with) only 1 is a person I met after college. 1 former co-worker, 2 friends from college, 5 friends from back home or through my cousin that I’m tight with. Thinking about moving to a city 5 hours away but not having any social connections there at all is making me hesitant. If you figure it out I’d love to know how you did it. Bless
-Soulja
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School.
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Work.
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If you don't have any hobbies or social outlets maybe that's why you don't have any friends? That sounds harsh, so lemme explain. One of the most common ways to make friends besides just being in the same environment and being around likeminded people is by how you spend your time. If you like to go hiking, you can make friends with people of similar temperament to hike with, or if it's video games then that, or if you enjoy reading, then you could meet people with a book club. Since you're a leftist, you could see if there's local orgs around and they could be a source of friends.
Do what you have to do, or do what you enjoy, and then just talk to people. If you're having trouble talking to people, that's a different kettle of fish.
but what I like to do is be home alone
I also enjoy long walks/hikes, but it's not that easy to meet people doing that
but what I like to do is be home alone
It is pretty difficult finding friends while doing that!
I also enjoy long walks/hikes, but it’s not that easy to meet people doing that
That's fair as well. You could see if your city has any hiking groups that are organized, it may not be unheard of, or you could even see about starting one and might have some people interested?
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