Hi comrades, want to give you all an informal update on the discussions around the site's misogyny problems that've been happening over the last several days. I wanna make sure you know that the admin/mod team has seen all of that discourse and we've been actively discussing solutions in the matrix mod chat. We're taking this shit very seriously and acknowledge that we haven't used a heavy enough hand on misogynistic rhetoric. As some of you saw we nuked that cheating thread from a couple weeks ago and handed out temp bans to the most egregious offenders. Idk how that was allowed to run it's course but we apologize for that oversight. We're going to do better.

We've come up with some ideas for how to improve this part of the site culture and we want to get suggestions from y'all as well, since the alarm was sounded on this by our beautiful c/traa posters to begin with. Our ideas so far include:

  1. A zero-tolerance policy towards any even remotely misogynistic/patriarchal posts or comments, as too much has slipped through the cracks on that, establishing a clear protocol for bans for violating rules against misogyny, and ideally tracking repeat offenders in a way that makes deciding a course of action easy when they reoffend.

  2. Uphold TC69 thought by starting up a book club (and hopefully more to follow) on feminist theory and encouraging mass participation, particularly from the he/him's on the site. "The Will to Change" by bell hooks has been suggested by multiple people as a great starting point but please feel free to suggest any other works.

  3. Relaunching /c/menby with a trusted educated mod team and a specific focus on countering mainstream narratives about masculinity, relationships and sex that breed reactionary, patriarchal attitudes

  4. Encouraging [namely femme] participation in /c/womenby and taking steps to revitalize that sub as an excellent source of discussion on feminism and intersectionality

  5. Holding another mod drive to get more folks into mod positions in our communities who can help weed out reactionary attitudes

  6. Encouraging users to use the report button often on any post that seems even remotely sus, with the promise that no one's going to be punished for "report abuse" for reporting posts in obvious good faith

Please let me know your thoughts on the above or any other ideas you have for making the site better, safer and more inclusive for our femme comrades. Once we've fully hammered out plans and updated policy we plan to make an announcement post highlighting these changes for the whole userbase. Thank you all for being here and being who you are feminism trans-heart

  • StalinStan [none/use name]
    ·
    2 months ago

    Just so as I am clear. What was the discourse that was going off rails so I know what kinda stuff to avoid doing in the future.

    • FunkyStuff [he/him]
      ·
      2 months ago

      https://hexbear.net/post/3558444

      check modlog since most of the misogyny was removed

      Actually, the thread is borderline unreadable now since almost half of the comments were making excuses

      • xiaohongshu [none/use name]
        ·
        2 months ago

        I wish I hadn’t wiped my comment on that thread which still sits at the top of the deleted post, but the gist of it was that OP should find out about the marriage situation first before unloading what he assumed was the “truth” on the husband.

        There are legitimate reasons why women had to hide certain information, for example abusive husband, and that the woman he was having an affair with could already have plans of leaving the husband but could not tell OP for various reasons.

        Basically, OP assumed that it was a simple case of “promiscuous woman cheating on her husband” and did not even bother to find out the situation (again assuming that the woman in question would simply “lie” because that’s what women like to do, huh). If this turned out to be an abusive husband case, then she’s pretty much screwed over by the OP.

        (As I mentioned in the last thread, there have been several times I seriously thought about quitting this site because some of the misogynistic comments can be really uncomfortable to read. I stayed mostly for the news mega these days (best place on Hexbear) and steered clear of any dating/relationship threads whenever I can)

        • ProletarianDictator [none/use name]
          ·
          2 months ago

          So much male privilege in that thread.

          Like this notion...

          he deserves to know he was cheated on.

          Bruh, so you know he isn't going to react well to that information, you know she chose not to tell him, and you haven't had a discussion with her about it.

          If you have been around men AT ALL before, it would be extremely obvious this is a situation that can quickly escalate to real physical danger. And he just fucking exposes her to that danger without even trying to get more information before making a weird escalation.

          THEN THE CONSENSUS IS DEFENDING THAT!

          I dunno, I expected better from my fellow Hexbears. You'd think a materialist outlook would make it so people would be inclined to prioritize physical safety of over idealistic moral self righteousness.

          Idk if being poly makes me numb to the degree to which jealousy and possessiveness pervade normative cishet relationships, but I can't even imagine feeling so motivated by empathizing with someone's jealousy to the point where I risk pissing him off and hurting her or trying to fight me.

          (BTW, very glad you stuck around because it seems you're having a positive impact on site culture that will hopefully spark much needed self-crit and change. Also great name btw)

      • kristina [she/her]M
        ·
        2 months ago

        Oh I remember that thread I figured it was a PTSD landmine and noped out after reading a couple comments

          • kristina [she/her]M
            ·
            2 months ago

            That's already a thing its just not everyone takes it seriously, trans mega has been almost perfect with it though cat-trans

            Did get the admins to add a certain bad word to the filter though which is greatly appreciated

      • DOPESMOKERDENG [they/them]
        ·
        2 months ago

        First temp siteban of the thread, thanks for not absorbing anything being talked about bud

      • thirtymilliondeadfish [she/her]
        ·
        2 months ago

        The unacceptable misogyny being talked about is saying that you shouldn't cheat on your partner if you don't want to get assaulted

      • imogen_underscore [it/its, she/her]
        ·
        2 months ago

        why are you like this? also petition for admins to start banning or at least naming and shaming ppl who upbear this shit

      • sewer_rat_420 [he/him, any]
        ·
        2 months ago

        I totally missed this whole thread, and probably a good thing I did.

        My knee jerk reaction is yes, a partner should know...but...i think that i am also blinded by misogyny. I dont know if i (and other cis he hims) would have the same reaction with different genders involved. Obviously, this woman was not having her needs met by her husband and it isnt anyone elses place to disturb their relationship. Especially in a way that is to make the woman look bad, bc in misogynistic culture it is always the womans fault.

        I look forward to the book club and unraveling more of my misogyny. I also hope that having my eyes opened more in this regard will help me be a better husband, because i think my deep misogyny negatively affects how i treat my wife at times.

          • sewer_rat_420 [he/him, any]
            ·
            2 months ago

            And also, we are quick to say "a husband has the right to know" without realizing that very statement upholds patriarchy and the husbands ownership of his wife

            • ItalianMessiah [he/him]
              ·
              2 months ago

              A wife also has the right to know if her husband is cheating. It's not about ownership, it's about STDs. Everyone is entitled to make informed decisions about who they have sex with.

              I know situations can be complex but safe sex and informed consent is the backbone of the LGBTQ+ community and I don't think we should throw it away to get some extra dunks.

              • SerLava [he/him]
                ·
                2 months ago

                Can't really know if it's safe honestly- you'd have to know the guy very well, but then this type of thing wouldn't happen if you knew him well. I would just leave it be and break things off.

              • keepcarrot [she/her]
                ·
                2 months ago

                Idk if this is the right thread to relitigate this point of view >.>

                • RomCom1989 [he/him, any]
                  ·
                  2 months ago

                  Well,I did not agree with how it was handled even when making that initial comment,but I worded it very poorly

                  Please inform me if I need to delete the comment in case it ends up creating any unneeded discourse

          • sewer_rat_420 [he/him, any]
            ·
            2 months ago

            I guess i mean, there is likely some other stuff going on in their relationship, but now the dynamic has been disturbed in a way to be biased to the husband. Now he is wronged, so whether he is physically abusive, or uses it to get off of playing child support, or whatever other outcome it has tipped the scales towards him more then they already are for a man.

        • aaaaaaadjsf [he/him, comrade/them]
          ·
          2 months ago

          The answer from me is that none of us on an internet forum really have enough information to properly assess what is going on with regards to relationship dynamics (if there's abuse/manipulation going on, which partner is potentially abusive or manipulative, etc) so we should err on the side of caution, and it's also why you should never take dating or relationship advice from the internet.