IDK this whole men on this site need advice thing has convinced me that people here really think this isn't a safe place to ask questions about how to, IDK, be?. So ask them here I guess if you didn't ask them in the other thread.
I'm drunk and going to sleep now, but I have the day off tomorrow and will sincerely commit to effort-posting responses if anyone has genuine questions they want some in depth advice to.
I will say I'm just a guy who thinks he has enough trips around the sun to have some insight to share but I am not an authority on anything, so anyone else please feel free to chime in
If you were a normal and fit man in a healthy and loving LTR with a secure job and a robust group of interesting friends, but you were also absolutely miserable, how would you approach the problem?
I get this way sometimes during the winter when I'm not getting enough sunlight and I just wait until it stops, but I think if it weren't seasonal I'd probably (not saying it is this, but it's my first thought) be concerned that it was a chemical thing and maybe see a psychiatrist?
Alternatively though, is this something you feel due to the political climate? If it's due to the world seeming horrible outside of your personal life, maybe try to retreat into that personal life when it gets bad?
I hope someone more insightful can answer.
Take vitamin D supplements. I take one a day, it actually helps with my moods, especially in the winter.
Note: not a solution to depression. Just helps with wintertime low sunlight
I try to take a multivitamin but I forget most nights. I'll try to be more consistent during the winter particularly though, thanks.
Sun lamps are like $30 on amazon. I just bought one myself for my seasonal depression. It seems like it’s starting to have some noticeable effects after about a month of using it. Remember you need 10k lux minimum and to use it for at least 30 minutes each day
Didn't even know this was a thing, I'll try to pick one up. Thank you for the tip!
Why are you miserable? How "bad" is your misery? I would recommend doing a little journaling, each day taking time to "rate" your day out of ten and write a little justification about why (e.g had a panic attack while out and about, argument with partner, feeling shame about XYZ etc). This might help you identify any trends and will get you closer to the answer.
Something that’s made a difference for me is making a distinction between activities that make me feel good/happy and activities that increase mastery of a skill (hopefully that also makes you feel good/happy). Usually when I’m down I try to fill my time with the former in the hopes that I’ll feel better but as anyone with clinical depression can tell you sometimes the good things just don’t feel good. Since I’ve drawn the distinction and started putting more effort into hobbies that ‘better’ me as a person over time I tend to feel better during those hollow down times because I still have the feeling of progression that gives fulfillment.
One of my favorite things to do is get stoned as shit and watch 80s creature features. Which is great but eventually you realize you’ve just spent a chunk of your life on the couch watching television. I still do that too but now I make time to work on my garden and go to the gym as well. But also definitely see a psych for some of those preemo meds while you’re at it too. The happy pills don’t hurt (except when they absolutely do)
I guess I'd ask when do you feel sad? Like if you're having a conversation with your partner, do you feel sad? Do you feel sad when you're doing whatever activity makes you fit? Do you feel sad when hanging out with your friends? Do you feel sad when you're connecting with your comrades and doing praxis in your local org? Do you feel sad at work?
Or do you feel sad always? Or just in the interstitial moments between activities? Or just when you're doomscrolling?
If you feel sad always, I'd probably try to find a good mental health professional that fit my vibe. If I couldn't afford it I would utilize the community mental health supports that are available. But yeah, mental health support is above my pay grade.
what do i do if The Wife(tm) keeps bugging me to take out the trash but I'm too busy watching The Big Game with The Boys?
I think if you've reached this stage of your relationship the only reasonable option is to engage in revolutionary violence against the state :shrug-outta-hecks:
Revolutionary violence against the state counts as taking out the trash so that would only mean that The Wife™ would win.
Ya I wanted to say something similar. Although my parents are working class, I benefitted heavily by being born 40+ years ago, white, male, and with a stable-ish family. I don't want to shit on the OP, but possibly comrades here struggle and I don't want anyone to feel like they're at fault.
This is a good question - I remember reading a tweet once where someone said every public figure's parental wealth should be listed after their name or something.
My parents had no generational wealth, no college degrees. My dad left when I was pretty young. My mother was a working single mother who was an administrative assistant in a SOE, and raised us on that salary. To the best of my understanding my father did pretty well for himself but that wealth has never really been connected with my life - as I understand things he didn't pay for child support, I had to take out loans to go to school and spent most of my adult life trying to get out from under that debt. I do probably stand to inherit something from him one day, but he's pretty into his wealth it wouldn't surprise me if he spends it all.
Being a hairdresser for the elves. They basically live forever and that long hair doesn't do itself.
thats not secure at all! We only see like two of them and I'm pretty sure both die like right away
How do you do it? How do you manage to find the time and energy to stay fit, perform at work and maintain all those relationships?
There's lots to say here, so I'll just give a few tips.
Most important individual factor that is relatively easy to adjust is commute time. All time in a car or a crowded bus is really just time subtracted from your life - if you commute for 2 hours a day, that's like 1/8 of your waking (work day) life and 25% of your life off the clock. It's a huge god damned time suck. I have prioritized living close to where I work and where my friends live, even if that means we get a lot less living space or pay more that we would otherwise as a result. (Commuting is an insidious hidden cost because it's basically work time you're not paid for, so while it costs more sometimes I see it as purchasing back that time). I currently live actually pretty far from my work for me because we got evicted, but I ride my bike there and back (1.5 hours a day) so it doesn't feel as much like wasted time. That being said we're talking about moving again to be closer to things.
As for fitness/friends, the manner in which I stay fit is a very social activity that involves spending a lot of time with people - so my fitness has never been in conflict with my friendships but rather strengthens them and also serves as a vehicle to expand my circle. People here always seem to talk about going to the gym and I don't get that at all. Shit seems pretty boring to me, and I think bodybuilding is lame. I'd much rather be getting fit while hanging out with my friends.
Lastly, when I start to put on a bit of weight (usually around this time of year) I start running. I hate running, I think it's boring, but it is the most time-effective way to burn calories that I'm aware of. This kind of maintenance is boring and I try to reduce how much time I put into it, hence running. I usually run once a week as far as I can - by the time the weather starts getting good I'm usually up to about 20k, then I stop and start doing more fun activities outside.
I don't have a specific questions but I think it's Very Cool that you put this out there and only got joke responses
I don't know comrade I'm not trying to hurt feelings I'm just trying to be descriptive
Edit: just reading through your responses in this thread and I think it's a cool discussion, these are just random thoughts related to this topic.
No worries, it might come off as an unnecessary challenge, but it's a pertinent question, and something that always comes up from me with these discussions. I'm going to ramble now. Like, we all know what a normal western cis-het man is, and what a normal western cis-het relationship is, because it's the predominant mode and plastered everywhere in media and culture. The patriarchy and capital concludes that normal is a worthy goal and something outside of those modes is wrong and should be fixed, but also the patriarchy and capital are things we are ideologically opposed to. That said, I think there is some truth to when in rome.
Whether it's relationship style, socialization style, dress style, employment, anything. A lot of people here are neurodivergent, myself included, which can mean we need more guidance than what is obvious to a lot of people, so I'm really not trying to poop on these kinds of posts which could be very helpful for a lot of people. A lot of what makes us feel sick and isolated are these norms being forced on us though, and I'm a firm believer in prioritizing what the bad guys call "inner game", which can lead to self confidence and self acceptance, as well as an easier time accepting criticism and changing.
Side tangent: We are participating in a space that aims to examine and dismantle these things, while often appearing hostile toward these norms. :norm macdonald:. So it's a tricky thing, and even in this thread we have the same few users in every one of these threads signalling to eachother how cis-hets taking up more air and space is annoying. I think while they have their own point to make, they are missing the entire point of this conversation, that came up from that ridiculous vaush post, that the far right has a monopoly on radicalizing cis-het men. Being an outsider and catching scorn from the majority of society feels bad, over time it leads to all kinds of psychic damage. Being cis-het doesn't preclude anyone from this, even if non-cis-hets are guaranteed the same and worse. However, being cis-het and inclined to reject norms is also throwing yourself into the fire, so we should be kind to eachother and allow space for this discussion regardless of gender and sexual identity. I don't think anyone is asking to be coddled, I mostly see users attempting to brainstorm approaches, but yeah it is a conversation that can go sideways.
This website literally has the most pro-trans content of any site I've ever used, and as a cis-het I'm here for it. Most users here seem on board with working toward rejecting stereotypical male-ness, and working to examine and dismantle toxicity on an individual level. A lot of these things are almost always at odds with being normal, and can lead to a sense of self-hatred and unworthiness if not also presented with some framework. There is a certain level of a priori knowledge, and personal work necessary I believe to avoid the "white guilt" style pitfalls in these communities.
Okay so it's weird I'm trying to justify making space for cis-het men to discuss these things, because while I agree there are already many places for these discussions, we want to discuss is here because it just feels healthier and more balanced and less prone to becoming an echo chamber.
"Be normal" is great advice when the overarching theme is a political ideology that is deeply unpopular. I appreciate your advice, sincerely, a weird person who would rather die unhappy than normal.
What the fuck does "normal" mean?
I was talking about this several times in the past year to my friend who's ND and ace, and there are a lot of things he's been unwilling to accept because one of his foremost desires is to be normal.
Yeah IDK, I can tell you for me I use the term to describe how little people pay attention to you. For instance, I have social anxiety and don't love being a center of attention, so I dress in clothing that doesn't make people look at me when I go buy some tomatoes. I don't actually care about what my hair or clothes look like, I just want to fade into the background.
How often do you meet up with friends? I have friends but rarely see them because none of us drive and transit is barely functional
Don't want to give up my private information, so you probably can't give the most specific advice. Time for the question: I can't get a date, what should I do? I'm friends with women, so it's not like I'm unable to talk to women. I guess I might be awkward when I ask girls out, but is that the only reason? I'm worried I might be too intense as a person. I guess I could mute that, but I don't want to lie about who I am as a person. I know women aren't a monolith, and it's not like I'm asking for pick up artist tricks. Just wondering if there's an approach I should generally take.
I'd like to ask no one who isn't dating women respond to this. There's a world of difference between what people think would appeal to them and what actually does.
Yeah, so it's hard to give too much advice without knowing you, but I'll share some thoughts.
First is that I'm of the opinion not everyone is always in a place in their life where they're likely to get a good match even if they're trying. People are often reluctant to talk about these parts of their lives, so I'll share my experience with this.
There was a period in my late 20s where I really struggled to find someone - this dry spell lasted maybe 4 years. Looking back on this period it's easy to see that even though I was interesting, fit, had hobbies, good hygiene, etc, I was very likely emitting some weird vibes that alienated me from potential partners. That was probably a mixture of sadness (due to loneliness), desperation, but also some incoherent mix of pride and self-loathing. I also had social anxiety that I hadn't learned to control.
That is to say, I was never undeserving of a connection, but had some ways of being (that were hard for me to recognize about myself at the time) which made it hard for me to form those connections.
I have friends who had dry spells for much, much longer - but while what I wrote above didn't directly related to them a lot of it did. We were all lucky enough to find love in the end.
I have no way of knowing if this applies to you of course, but I do feel like we have a tendency to euphemize these periods as "dry spells" without talking honestly about the loneliness, uncertainty, vulnerability and fear that can often be felt during these times.
My advice is to take the pressure off yourself - maybe right now isn't the time and when you look back you'll see why. The self-imposed pressure to have a partner can build a desperation that seeps out, and is deeply unsexy. I recognize this is a frustrating paradox, but the only way around it is to learn to be comfortable with who you are. It's ok to be single though, and gives you a lot of extra time.
I would strongly recommend using this time to work on yourself - learn an instrument, learn to bake, learn a language, read interesting books, etc. Don't don't just smoke weed, play video games and watch YouTube. Build yourself into an even more interesting person than you already are. If you have mental health issues, use this extra time you have to put some serious work into addressing them.
But also, do activities that give you experience talking to different types of people in a low-stress, non-sexual environment. Get active in your local left org, join a book club, volunteer at a soup kitchen, join a community soccer team, get involved in municipal politics, do language exchange, take a dance class, go to community events they post at the library or community center. Get used to saying yes to things even if it scares you a bit.
And keep putting yourself out there. I don't know what the state of dating apps are these days, but I'd suggest staying away from appearance-based ones and trying out ones that actually try to algorithmically match you to people with similar interests even though they probably do weird shit with your data.
Anyhow, there is no easy answer to this problem. The best I can do is tell you that this isn't that uncommon, a lot of us have been there, it is hard, often humiliating, generally sucks, and you don't deserve it. I mostly hope that just knowing that even though you feel alone you aren't, in a way. I really hope you find someone you deserve comrade.
This sounds like solid advice, comrade. I think part of my problem is that things I do which should be fun, low stress ways to meet people have turned into responsibilities. Not gonna go in depth on this, but suffice it to say it's an external problem and I don't want to just walk away. I'm a student with aspirations of grad school, so I'm guessing that might give a desperate edge. I'm going to try to take better care of myself this year than I did last year, and this is just another reason to do that. Thanks, comrade.
how do you incorporate revolutionary/feminist ideals in your relationship? have you made any mistakes through idealism or misapplied theory?
Yeah, so there's a lot there but I'll keep it simple and if you want you can ask further questions.
I'll start by establishing that both of us are feminists and socialists, though I think I think and read more on these topics than she does.
A simple framework that I try to stick to its that it's all labour. Wage labour is labour, domestic labour is labour, school is labour, emotional labour is labour. From a feminist perspective I aim to make sure that labour is divided equally, but from a communist perspective I aim to make sure each of us perform labour in accordance with our physical, mental and emotional means, and each receives the fruits of the other's labour in accordance with their needs.
An example is that during the first year of the pandemic I was out of work for like 6 months (collecting unemployment), and she was in intensive online school working crazy hours on class and homework. During that time, I did all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and dog-walking. Sometimes she would feel really guilty because she felt like she wasn't pulling her weight, and it would be really hard for me to convince her that actually she was putting in way more hours of labour than I was each week.
As for mistakes, I think something I'm working on is trying to not let emotional labour fall on her, as I think I can have a blind spot for that stuff.
I struggle with the emotional labor aspect of relationships. On one hand, I am doing my share of labor labor, but I don't "think about it" as much, and it doesn't stress me out. So it's a matter of planning I guess? The problem I run into is the criticism I receive is vague and about the idea of emotional labor, and I need concrete things I can do.
