I’m now two and a half weeks post-op. Had my first exam today and everything’s healing very well. Still sore and still can’t really get around, but I’m definitely doing better.
Bottom surgery has done me more good than anything I have ever done in my life. The chaotic background noise that's been in my life since forever is finally gone. I feel truly at peace. I can sleep just because. And I'm simply the happiest I've ever been in my life. I smile all the time and I’m more confident in myself. I knew I needed this surgery badly, but I didn’t realize til afterwards how severe my bottom dysphoria was. And now, I’ve taken the biggest step down my personal path of transition and I’m closer than ever to being the real me. Gods I never thought I’d be here. I’m so happy ;w;
I knew I needed this surgery badly, but I didn’t realize til afterwards how severe my bottom dysphoria was.
I hear this from every friend of mine who's had bottom surgery. Still on the wait list for the clinic, but at this point it'll be less than a year until i can make a post like yours myself and i'm so looking forward to that!
Super glad to hear you're doing well, i wish you all the best for the recovery process and a ton of all these happy, happy moments of euphoria i keep seeing with other trans girls post OP.
I look forward to seeing yours :3 It’s a long journey with many potholes in the road, but the reward is well worth it.
I greatly appreciate well wishes! Thank you very much. The euphoria is unimaginable. Never knew life could feel this good.
cleaned out from under my bed, threw out more bags of trash, one more day lived as a trans girl, on more day closer to HRT. the road is so very long but I'm walking it and getting just a tiny bit closer
Cleaning shit out is so satisfying to get done, I'm proud of you for doing it! I know how hard it can be.
god i have to get off reddit. i keep looking at trans femme fashion and transition timelines and it's all these stunningly well passing women who claim shit like "oh yeah this was like 1.5 years hrt" or something, this is only filling my head with bad ideas.
fuck, i got to meet real trans people outside and i don't even really know where to start, honestly
girl you already passed as a cis woman after 1.5 years HRT and then you got FFS??? you literally just look like a different cis woman now? i am become dysphoria, the layer in bed
I think for a lot of people, even if they already "pass" to most strangers, getting ffs is not necessarily just about looking more feminine, but moreso about just looking different than the face they've felt so much dysphoria about for so long.
I know personally, when I look in the mirror I have a list of features I can systematically stare at until I start to feel like shit, and I can't really stop myself from doing it.
There’s a lot to be said about how comfortable one is looking at themselves in the mirror. It might work for the general public, but if it doesn’t work for you, then what does it matter? It’s part of the reason I am still harsh on myself with my voice even though it passes very well. I want it to sound good to me as well, not just Random Stranger A
That's very valid and something I never really considered but yeah, that's fair and kind of describes me come to think of it. Like, transphobia is bad and I don't want to experience that in public but I want to pass for myself. I don't want to see a man in the mirror anymore. It's funny, actually when i think about it enough; I like the idea of FFS but I don't even think I'll need it. With longer hair, no 5 o clock shadow, and smoother, drier skin, i could probably pass with relatively little HRT changes to my face. I remember I took the first selfies of myself that I actually liked like 3 weeks ago and it was when I was on a discord call with some friends and the low quality camera I bought for myself acted as basically softening filter and I thought I looked so fucking cute in those
If you liked the camera's effects you would probably benefit from learning makeup as well, since it can make your skin look smoother. There's other nice things it can do too of course but that's one that can often help with looking more feminine. I believe there's also makeup techniques to hide beard shadows? Idk for sure though I have no experience.
Also yeah definitely grow out your hair first if you want long hair, it can do incredible work for how well you pass. It won't get you all of the way but it will get you more than you'd expect, especially when you style it femininely.
i follow a bunch of communist transfems on tumblr and it's so much better for my mental health than any trans subreddit is, you could give that a try
One of my two trans woman friends convinced me to make a tumblr but honestly the website is kind of incoherent to me. What the fuck is a reblog? How am I supposed to interact with this website? I don't know, but it makes me want to go back to hexbear real fast. I got to learn how to meet real people though
I like tumblr in spirit, like it's got great stuff to look at sometimes, but it's also redditesque in that everyone is out for blood, you know the way. One large continuous struggle session.
tumblr is a website where you just follow a bunch of people who seem neat and then reblog posts that you like and think are worth sharing. reblog is just retweet except you can tag it with things to find later or add a comment
if you have any questions feel free to dm me and ill do my best to answer
ive been meaning to give that a try, especially if its finally time to get off twitter, but don't know how to begin searching so which ones do you recommend? (or can dm)
i sent you a DM, if anyone else wants a list just dm me
During my FFS post op she was looking over my record and said, "you really got everything on the menu, huh?" Literally every single part of my face went under the knife. Jaw, chin, brow, hairline, lip lift, fat grafting everywhere. I had the most masculine face humanly possible. I didn't pass a single time until after FFS. In high school people told me I looked like Ivan Doroschuk, the safety dance guy.
Also, their photos might not be showing their profile. Out of the trans women who do pass without FFS at least half of them only pass from the front. Its rare for anyone to pass from the side. Passing in general is more common if you're latina or east asian.
I just looked at r/transtimelines and it made me insecure, I'm 4.5 years hrt, 2 years post ffs. Don't hurt yourself sis <3
You might be surprised what 1,5 years of HRT can do, but yes, absolutely get off reddit, the trans community there is awful and the subs for transition timelines in particular are really bad for dysphoria. I had a legitimate crisis because researching too much on r/trangender_surgeries and seeing all these before-after pics of FFS amplified my face dysphoria to unbearable levels. That gets better when you stop going there, it's honestly shocking how much harm that place can cause.
Media hygiene is a core trans survival strategy in this day and age. If you find that content has a bad influence on you, drop that shit.
As far as finding a trans community irl goes, that can be tricky, but it's absolutely worth it. Nothing helps more than being in a room full of nice trans people, i actually feel normal in such a context. Not hidden in plain sight like when i'm stealth, not in disguise like when i was boymoding, but completely normal just by being my authentic self. That's priceless. But it can take a while to find an org where you fit in. Many of the cool ones do not advertise that much and kinda piggyback on established queer orgs in the area. Check if they're using nonbinary-inclusive language or if they stick to outdated terms like "transsexual" instead, the latter is a pretty reliable giveaway they're truscum. With pride season coming up, you may have more opportunities to find orgs that recruit mostly through word of mouth or by other offline means.
seeing all these before-after pics of FFS
Yea holy shit I'm so jealous now. :sicko-wistful:
Oh. So if you live in a city, do a search for "Trans discord [city name]. Otherwise check with the lgbt center in the city to see if they have support groups. My support group got me through, idk a year of transition and I'm still going every week. I've met a few friends through it too. Once of them is one of my closest friends who I hang out with every Saturday. So yeah
Yeah ffs feels more and more necessary for me day by day honestly. Damn
Got catcalled for the first time the other night, pretty shitty ngl. If you expect it to feel euphoric it really doesn't, it was more along the lines of 'oh, I have to deal with this shit now.'
Otherwise dealing with the usual spring-special of seasonal depression making my dysphoria worse. At least it's not as bad as last year's now that I'm on HRT.
One time I got catcalled by a straight guy outside a lesbian bar and then he got up in my face and drunkenly asked me out as I was trying to go in
Drunk really isn't an excuse either
I'm mostly not since I got lucky and couldn't hear what they said exactly. At the moment I was just struck by how... Weird? Yeah, how weird it felt.
If you expect it to feel euphoric it really doesn’t
I'd imagine it would partly depend on how much of a threat they seem to be? Only time I dealt with something that was somewhat ewwphoric was long before I realized I might not exactly be cis. But dealing probably accidental sexual harassment led to some mixed feelings (one of which was sorta happy to experiencing something I assume was more common for women... and that was a stronger feeling than the uncomfortableness), but like I didn't even think it was intentional and there wasn't really any perceived risk of escalation.
I'd imagine it would partly depend on how much of a threat they seem to be?
not really, no. it's kind of always scary, even when the dude is like 80. there's always other dudes they're performing for.
Yeah it's only recently started sinking in with me now that This Is My Life and I have to deal with misogyny all the time :/ fucking sucks
On one side, I want to leave to a western country so I can transition safely, on the other side I kind of don't want to deal with the bullshit of western countries, my degree won't be recognized, the money I had before would be worthless, I don't get benefits of being born there, I lose the benefits I have, I might be dependent on some organization and worst of all it's not like the country would be pro-trans forever, they could just turn around and make it shit for trans people too.
So after getting banned from the liberal sapphic book server for being "rude" to someone who identifies with settler-colonialism, (canadian nationalism is a disease) (oh look they tone policed a trans woman! big shock there!) I joined three new ones. 2/3 are kind of dead, like all places to discuss books with gays in, but maybe I can post hard and get them going again? And also I won't have to say 'another kkkracker down' to anybody?
It's kinda sad that I have way better results just yelling into Hexbear, quality userbase <3
someone who identifies with settler-colonialism
hang on, what? can... can you elaborate on that at all? did she elaborate on that at all?
Nah, just carrying on and fucking on about being french canadian all the time and how she wanted to see more stuff written by french canadians, clearly the most oppressed minority. I said "Like being french isn't bad enough, had to be canadian too, worst of both worlds" which broke the cracker. It was epic!
The context was that she was carrying on and on about french canadian cyberpunk, and before I cracked the cracker I had said that the only use for setting a cyberpunk narrative in Klanada would be to examine colonialism, which she promptly ignored, hence what I said. Something about the mixture of canadian nationalist undertones and how liberal cyberpunk is just, touched a nerve in me. I was pretty restrained
though imo.My thesis is, anyone who is fragile and white enough to be offended when I say "french bad" or "canada bad" deserves to feel offended. Don't identify with colonial projects, right? White people in shambles.
ur welcome 4 this autism btw
"Like being french isn't bad enough, had to be canadian too, worst of both worlds"
this is objectively funny and anyone who has a problem with this is a crakkker
in some ways im feeling more like a teenager than my first puberty where i was kinda just a reserved blank slate, have been finding myself more risk-prone and wanting to hide in my room than ever lol
First puberty: "Oh, when did that hair appear? Its long enough that it must have been there awhile. How long has it been since I've actually looks at my own body?"
Voice seems to be passing better on the phone with the therapy things I've been trying, or I've run into less 'no you're not' sorts by pure luck. I hope this continues either way.
Hi everyone, I'm gonna be
for a while.This last month I've done a lot of introspection and exploration. It's been good, but the constant focus on my inner world has interacted with my anxiety in a bad way. I need to refocus some things (been hyper focused on gender) and remember that I'm myself first before whatever my gender identity is.
See you all soon! Miss you already
dysphoria talk
the big thing that i find both really empowering and really dysphoria inducing is the fact that i can't actually think of anything dysphoria inducing about me that i couldn't change with enough HRT, time, and electrolysis. Too much muscle? Rough, oily skin? Masc body fat distribution? Facial hair? yeah, these all make me feel awful and they all can go away, it's just going to take a lot of time waiting on the HRT to really kick in for that to go away and for now I'm just stuck with the body I don't like
Then it gets even funnier when I think about how I don't even think these are unappealing characteristics? I'm bi, these traits would look fucking great on someone else, but not me.
I really can look like the absolute doll of a girl that I can see in my head
, I have absolutely zero doubt in my mind that I won't see her in the mirror one day
and in the mean time i'm stuck with this shit? FUCKcw oversharing and dysphoria
I’m scared to transition because I have this feeling that everyone around me only likes me for my boobs and butt
My whole life I’ve basically been told by people around me and by the movies I watch that my worth comes 90% from my body and now I want to change that? I’ve learned how to use my body to charm people and because I’m pretty desperate for attention I’m scared I’ll lose that as well.
csa
When I was a kid I always wanted to be part of the boys group, but it happened more than once that those boys saw my eagerness to hang out with them and they used that to violate me.
I’d really like to talk with a professional about this while I transition but the only option to transition for me is if I pay it myself and with as little appointments as possible because there’s way too much demand for transgender healthcare. So I’m scared to make the decision to start hrt because I won’t have anyone to guide me through it.
Those are all normal apprehensions, I'm on the other side of the binary but feelings are similar. Just because they're typical concerns doesn't mean they shouldn't feel big - they should and do - but you're hardly the first and only man to feel the way you do. Which means you can overcome these even though they are very big problems and anxieties.
Firstly, for me and many trans people, HRT was the best decision of our lives. T is different than E, it works much faster and does different stuff but the feeling is still there.
Secondly, IF YOU CHOOSE you can keep your curves. There are curvy cis guys, they're hot, there are trans guys that choose to keep them and they're very handsome. You don't have to, top surgery can take down your chest (and you get to customize if you have nipples or not which is neat).
Considering the abuse you've been through, you probably should be going to therapy - that's a lot of trauma. You're very strong for how far you've come. Yeah everything takes time, but you can take diy HRT prior to getting a prescription for it. If there are any IRL lgbt support groups you should join them (careful, you'll probably come away with a new romantic partner from it lol happens to all of us). Hopefully there's another trans guy there who can help guide you, especially if you're going down the diy route.
To me, I think it's totally a cool coincidence that the feminizing hormones are gentle and take their time and the masculinizing hormone goes hard and quick but it kinda sucks here for you. You can stop any time, it's allowed. You can stop and pick it back up. You can choose not to start HRT! That's a valid way of being a trans man (sounds like you'd rather have it though).
You sound like a very strong, tough man and I wish the best for you.
Thanks for the super nice response:)
I’m in therapy for my trauma but the clinic I go to can’t help me with any gender related issues I have. But joining a support group is a great idea and I hadn’t really considered that option lol thanks for the suggestion
It seems very obvious now, and is probably obvious to all you lovely people, but I hadn't thought about a strong aversion to mirrors being a sign of being trans. I have hated mirrors/pictures of myself for as long as I can remember, sometimes neglecting hygiene because of it tbh. I know most people aren't like a huge fan but fuck do I hate it. And apparently so do a lot of transpeople
It was honestly one of those things that finally clicked for me after the fact that my egg cracked. Just a big ol’ revelation of why I hate having my pic taken.
very big same here!
conversely, I have taken more selfies in the past few months, since the effects of my hormonal transition started being visible, than I had in at least a decade prior.
The best feeling is staring into mirrors for minutes at a time, after years of avoiding them.
Before I realized I was trans mirrors made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I couldn't put my finger on why, my egg brain told me that it was because I was anxious that something was watching me in the background, but obvs that was just repression.
Yeah that sounds about right. I've never enjoyed looking in mirrors or at photos of myself because I do not like the way that I look.
I keep having dysphoria revelations today and I don’t like this
more dysphoria talk
holy shit the reason why I don’t talk to myself anymore and gradually stopped doing it starting around middle school is the dysphoria. Isn’t it. I’ve subconsciously stopped using my voice when alone because I’m uncomfortable with it. As a kid I used to write stories by narrating them out loud to myself and I haven’t felt that fountain of creativity for years and the voice dysphoria is a big part of that, isn’t it. My brain really was doing the most in order to keep my dysphoria hidden from me, how have I not realized this until now.
I’ve subconsciously stopped using my voice when alone because I’m uncomfortable with it.
Holy shit I didn't realize until now, but yea same. I'll still "talk" but there's no noise. Go through all the motions of speaking without the voice (idk if this makes sense).
I should try voice training :/
Yeah, in the rare occasions when I do talk to myself these days my voice generally comes out as a weird quiet half-whisper, and it feels so awkward to me that I generally won’t talk for long.
Good luck on voice training if you go for it, I should do some of it too. Admittedly I feel quite lucky that T deepens the voice, I wish E did the reverse for transfem comrades.
It's crazy how variable pronoun usage of any kind is once you start paying attention to it. Like, you'd think a fairly consistent percentage of the words of any conversation would be pronouns, but a lot of the time it's either a drought or a downpour.
Anyway for like a month my friends have just naturally not used my pronouns, and my family has been misgendering me like crazy, and I am gritting my teeth waiting for it to start swinging the other way.
you're allowed to ask your friends to use them more! even if its uncomfortable to ask, it might be a good reminder that they do respect you/nice validation
That's pretty much me right now