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I watched it. I am not at all exaggerating when I say it's almost entirely CGI. Seriously. To the point that in the first sequence of the movie (a flashback), where they de-age Harrison Ford, the whole thing is so choc-a-bloc with CGI that it looks like the Tintin movie.

SPOILERS AHEAD, I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THE EMBEDDED SPOILER THING SO BE WARNED. SPOILER. SPOILER. SPOILER.

If I were to judge it by Tintin standards it would actually be quite a good sequence. There's a few too many cuts here and there but on the whole, for a kids movie it's quite good. There's some CGI jank but there's also fun stunts and a decent story told within the action. It doesn't come close to feeling as good as original Indiana Jones action scenes, but I do understand that as it's now Disney IP they've made it super accessible to kids.

So at this point I'd re adjusted my standards and had a bit of hope. The scene after has some real life Indy adjusting to being old and it's quite charming. There's another CGI action sequence but it sort of holds up and has some novel, if very disneyish action scenes. It's not very grounded and very make believe, but still quite a fun and bombastic sendoff.

Then they go to another country and there's another giant CGI fest, and this time it's just noise. Visual noise. Audio noise. Plot noise. It looks terrible. Phoebe Waller Bridge is annoying throughout, pretty much just playing her Fleabag character but in a setting that it doesn't work in. The child actor is also pretty bad. Indy fixes a car by sticking gum in the grille because 'moroccan gum is made from heat resistant plants' or some bullshit. The stakes seem low. Theres never really any doubt as to whether anyone important is in danger. The enemies are very hammy and seem like they're just blazing around having fun at disneyworld rather than posing any actual menace.

Then they travel some more and it really loses its tether. Indy casually states that his son died in Vietnam. Bla bla bla more CGI but this time underwater. The plot begins racing towards the end at a crazy rate as they go place to place to place but the movie still somehow has about 2 hours left. More travelling, more plot reversals that arrive out of nowhere and occur across the span of an actor saying one line. All the characters start making silly decisions. An artifact swaps between all the characters at which point Phoebe Waller Bridge quips "that's capitalism 🤓". I'm not sure the writer really understood their own joke and it feels super out of place. No one in the full theatre laughed.

Then it gets even more nuts and SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER:

Indy gets shot in the chest but seems to be completely fine. They go back in time. They had to really. Every movie is about multiverses and stuff these days. Indiana Jones has had a huge dose of powercreep. They go back to a Roman battle and Indy is on the verge of death, about 5 hours after being shot in the chest at the age of 85. He wants to stay in the past, to be a relic of history (very subtle, Disney). Instead of having any sort of emotional resolution, Phoebe Waller Bridge bombs once again and straight up just smacks Indy in the face. Knocks him out cold and carries him home.

Cut back to present day. Marion comes back and there's a happy ending. They take it to the bedroom. The final shot is of his hat on the washing line outside the bedroom. A hand comes out and takes it.

Indiana Jones fucks with his hat on.

The end.

I NEED A HOST TO MAKE SURE SHIT GETS GOING, SOMEONE PLEASE SHOW UP AND FACILITATE THIS BUFFOONERY

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